WOW.
This is incredible! We are totally honored to announce that, thanks to an average of 4,932,108 hits per day and our consistently blazing political discourse, we have been named The Best New Blog of January 29, 2006 by the Commission to Distract People from Important Junk Like Having Dinner or Getting Some Sleep. I just got done talking on the phone with the Commissioner about all of our social security numbers and street addresses and the like, and he said our check's in the mail! This is just overwhelming.
16 comments:
Do you have Gwen Stefani's social security number?
I'd like to thank my wife for being busy in the other room, my mom for mailing me that food because she knows my wife can't figure out how to turn the oven on, and my cat for reminding me of Larry by licking and biting my ankles. Oh yeah, and I'd especially like to thank Jaybriel for outclassing me with his way gnarly profile and photo, without the benefit of the new apple with intel software.
Is that the robot or the real guy or someone posing as Jesse?
Not even a very good impostor, actually.
I like the impostor better than the robot. Or the real one. I can't even tell anymore which one is which. I heard that New Wave Dave has a remote control for his DVD player that turns out to be on the same frequency as the part of the JesseBot's brain that regulates headbanging, so in a way it's Dave's fault if Jesse has a sore neck, and so Dave ought to go to massage school and then help maintain that heap of bolts. Otherwise, I believe he is committing a crime. I will check on this and get back to you.
I'd like to thank my wife for finding a new obsession. This blogging has led her to pretend she's me. She now has about 50 aliases and responds to herself. While sitting next to her I asked her a question that needed an answer that could not possibly contain the word "yea". After asking the "F"ing question she said, "yea". Apparently she will now communicate to me through this blog only, through one of her personalities. My hope is that if I should make a sexual advance of some sort with her, I don't find my self face to face with Jesse VanHalenn the bullshit imposter. Because I don't want sex with her with myself. My only hope is that I can convince her that her ability to blog will only be improved with my owning a new Mac with pentium processor. The one the Jaybriel doesn't have yet. Ya know Lauper, drugs work too.
JV
Imposter, damn it!@
Can't one of you check the dictionary?
Let me get this straight.
You really average 4,932,108 hits a day???
That is amazing.
4,932,108 hits?
That many?
How many again?
Something like 4.932,108?
Incredible.
What's with the dead dude's punctuation? Does he have issues, like maybe he's JEALOUS of the living or something?
I thought you said 4932108 was one of your social security numbers.
Don't all wet the bed at once.
Someone already managed to steal the Jessebot's password and pose as him ("JV" above) and write a bunch of crap that makes NO sense and does not add a thing to the happy 80s vibe we had going.
As soon as your administrator gets back from the mall, we'll get the real Jessebot recalibrated and reprogrammed. (He seems to need new oil too.) Until then please tolerate the ramblings of a third-rate hacker, and keep hope alive that Jaybriel's new computer isn't completely ruined by peanut butter fudge.
That wasn't me. That was the big guy, the really really big guy.
Jen is naughty!!
Dear Ms. Joliet,
Your queries are inappropriate. The information you seek is classified, and you are not on any list of individuals slated for such access. You need only consult your contract's subsection on penalties for interfering with any of Management's activities. Have a great day.
I like women.
JV
Post a Comment