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Snarkette Takes a Fall (No Tears are Shed)

It's been a busy day. After thorough investigation of Lauper's latest spree, wherein she mocked MR. TUBULAR'S speech impairment, touted our lawyer's talents inappropriately, and used sarcasm to no avail, I have made the (effortless) decision to terminate her contract.

Happily, there is a sophisticated and lovely replacement who is willing to change her name to Lynndi Lauper and gain twenty pounds to fit into the outgoing's wardrobe and who coincidentally knows all five hundred songs (sort of.) The new Lynndi Lauper is not an immature child but rather a submissive and intelligent grown-up. Welcome!

When Will We Grow Up and See that Being in a Cover Band is STOOPID?

TOMMY T'BURGER, New Wave Dave, and Josh "Cabin Boy" of Seagulls don't seem to understand the real world or appreciate the limitations of adulthood. They put on silly costumes and say things that don't make sense and do those twirls and kicks for absolutely no reason. One day they'll realize that driving hither and thither in hybrid DeLorean minivans, rocking the masses until everyone has a lampshade on their head is NOT actually a way to make a living, and they'll finish their doctorates of rocket science and warm up to desk life.

Survey Says!

On Average, You Would Sell Out For

$271,862

At What Price Would You Sell Out?

Name That Band

You'll be glad to learn I've come to my senses, thanks to a gentle reminder to take the meds. I've talked to most everyone in the band (well, to one, but he had another call,) and we agreed we've been The Brat Pack for too long. We've gone by this name for over ten years, and while it's useful for letting everyone know when and where we're playing, it really does seem fair to move on and let someone else try it for a while. Why not give a brother a break, sharing the fruits of our labor with those not fortunate to have done it first? I've got a few catchy replacement names in mind: Dave Chappelle's Show, FoxNews, Paris Hilton, and X-Krush, to name but a few. But why not go further, turning our time of transition into a huge publicity stunt? I propose a contest wherein the dear reader may submit the very best new name (we get to choose it, though, right?) and win some cash, say five hundred crisp, new, stripper-scented US dollars. Is everyone on board?

Electric "GM" Larry Made Me Do It

Your Mexican Name Is...

Doña Xochitl

What's Your Mexican Name?

Nah, It Must Be My Hearing

After careful review of the last few shows, when no one else, not even Larry, seemed confused by TOMMY "TB" TUBULAR's strange pronunciations, I googled the rest of the band and learned that they haven't even been to Japan or Wisconsin, so they would have no way of understanding his odd dialect. So it's gotta be my hearing.

Could Be His Accent

Now that I think about it, the gear probably isn't the problem. It's just that sometimes, on certain songs, I think I'm hearing different words than the ones I expect. But Tommy was born in Japan and grew up in Wisconsin, so it could just be that I'm not hip to his complicated and exotic accent.