It's not easy being New Wave Dave. The demands on my time as a bass player in the Brat Pack are unending. Keeping the beat, cueing everyone where to come in on songs, preparing props, telling Electric Larry how to run his PA, preventing the JesseBot from playing too many notes - it can all take it's toll. Can you imagine asking just one Bassist to do all of this, night after night, year after year? Well, neither can the Bass Players Union, which is why late in 2004 they intervened to establish a 2 bass miniumum in the Brat Pack. This provides not just for a safe and fair work environment for Guido Menudo and New Wave Dave, but it also assures you, the Brat Pack fan, that you will receive only the highest quality low end rumblings, brown sounds, and high quality plastic giveaways at every Brat Pack show.
What is the Bass Players Union, you might ask? I'm happy to tell you - it is an esteemed organization that has existed for centuries, promoting the 3 key values of bass - Volume, Volume, Volume. There can never be too much bass in a band or in a mix - just ask Electric Larry.
And in the Brat Pack, the Union has expanded its codes and bylaws to include distribution of fabulous props and giveaways as part of the acceptable range of job duties. Can you imagine Josh of Seagulls trying to calculate how many lai's to give out in Bloomington vs. Springfield? Or Tommy Tubular trying to decide between wrap around sunglasses and ones with dollar signs for eyes? It's an awesome responsibilty, and one that Menudo and New Wave take very seriously.
To summarize, here are some of the benefits of having 2 Union Bass Players in the Brat Pack:
* Increases band sexiness by 600%
* 2 sets of amazing stage moves to dazzle crowds with
* Mind boggling arpeggios and ingenious chord substitutions now a regular part of "Jesse's Girl"
* More souvenir photo ops with handsome devil for star struck Brat Pack fans
* Less chance to get stuck with a souvenir photo of yourself with a drummer or keyboard player
* More opportunities to block view of Josh of Seagulls while he is singing Billy Joel
* Guido Menudo now has time to lick ALL props before giving to audience
* Still no bass solos or bass vocals
5 comments:
What we really should have done, NWD, was stop the show, shred some of that fake money and wrap it around bass strings - voila! leis! And what a party that would have been, huh?
By the way, your blog post rox and so does your profile pic! Congratulations on being so ultra-awesome-cool and welcome to the fray.
Dear Mr. Dave,
have several questions for you related to high tops and your coming birthday.
1. What's your shoe size again?
2. Is red still your favorite or did you take a look at the link to the army green ones and say, "whoa - dark neutrals are totally in for the 80s of the 00s" and now the red ones seem passe to you?
3. If red is still your favorite, then do you think if I got the two for one deal on the red ones so I could get a pair for Guido for his birthday which is coming shortly after yours and thereby save money on your birthday presents overall and make you look even more like clones of each other?
4. If yes to all that too, what size shoe does Guido wear?
5. What do you want for your birthday?
6. Can you please explain to me why all soundmen are bass players but not all bass players are soundmen? Who decides this kind of thing? Is there a waiting list? If you need help studying the problem, Josh of Seagulls has just moved his top secret basement tunnel laboratory a few miles west of the previous location - did somebody snitch or something? - and he's looking for new projects to meet the demands of all the prestigious foundations giving him money.
7. Can a drummer/scientist ever be a bass player? How do you ensure that this never happens?
What sizes for you and your clone?
How much does it cost to become a member of the Bass Player Union? How often do you have to pay dues? Are there any other hidden fees. See, when I worked at Osco there were a lot of weird things with the Unions. I remember this one time Bill asked me to put something in the bailer. I said I would but just before I did the other manager Kathy asked me to come upstairs and sign this document that said I wouldn't put anything in the bailer. I guess it was like a law thing. So then I went downstairs after I signed it and the general manager asked me to put something in the bailer. Then I got really mad ya know, cause I was like, well why did you make me sign this thing not to put it in the bailer and then you told me to do it. I think it's a weird law thing and if I did it and got hurt I couldn't sue them. So what I was wondering about your Union is if they offer any kind of protection. I just don't want to be a bass player unless I know someone's got my back, if you will.
JV
That is a really good point.
I know that bass players have to take out a lot of extra malpractice insurance, way more than keyboard players, because of the severe head injuries they tend to inflict on people like dancers, lead singers, guitarists, and the first couple of rows of the audience. The source of these injuries can be the well-known swinging headstock, but as you probably suspect, there are much more subtle ways in which bass players can damage those nearby. And since they're way sexier than everyone else in the band, bass players have a harder time defending themselves in a court of law with twelve jealous jurors and a judge owned by the drummer. Well, you know and I know that the union really enforces this level of coverage for all those reason, and that's why we have to pay them approx five times more than the rest of us make.
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