Ask Guido

Dear Guido,
Jesse said that I can ask for your advice on pretty much anything. SOO...I was wondering what I should do when I want to travel faster than the speed of light, but my car/bike/minivan/elliptical trainer won't keep up. Just wondering.
Love,
S-Man

Dear CK,
Oh, hey! No problem! I'll make a few calls, check my calendar, we'll get together and talk about it over cold press, and everything should be cool!
Sincerely,
Guido

Dear Guido,
I saw GI Joe jump onstage with you guys a few weeks ago and give it more cowbell. That was AWESOME. How come I never get to jump onstage with you guys?
Truly,
Mick Jagger

Dear MJ,
Dude, we don't need more cowbell. Thanks for asking, though!
Yours forever,
Menudo

Dear Guido,
I rely on TOMMY TUBULAR for direction. He tells me to do a lot of great stuff like "tip your bartenders" or "scream if you're having fun." If TOMMY TUBULAR tells me to jump off a bridge, should I do it?
Fondly,
Timmy

Dear Timmy,
There are some things in life you do not question.
Word to your Mother,
G

Dear Guido,
I might have to kill to get to your show at Pinch Penny this weekend. Lynndi mentioned that you know how to get blood stains out. Pointers?
Thanks!
A Myspace Friend

Dear David,
No sweat! If you do have to kill to get to the show, come on over, introduce yourself, we'll have some beers, maybe talk with some hotties, then you can give me your email address, and when I get back from vacation, we can trade phone numbers by email, and then I'll text message you the number of MY FRIEND who knows a guy who used to have a trunkful of samples of this stuff that's great for getting blood stains out.
Later!
G

Dear Guido,
If I am at a Brat Pack show, doing shots, tipping my bartenders and waitresses, partying like it's 1776, and end up having a few too many, should I close my eyes and floor it or would you drive me home?
Always,
16K

Dear KDub,
Neither! The correct answer is snuggle up with some hotties and stay over. In the morning, I'll swing by, and we'll grab some cold press and ROCK to the next gig!
DBLT!
GM