Friday, February 16, 2007

Whose Sister is Hottest?

There's not even a contest so we'll just go ahead and give this one to Menudo, with the hottest sister ever.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

BP Fitness Guide, Part Eight: Strike a Pose

New Wave Dave AKA Diamond Dave takes a more relaxed yet stylish approach to health and fitness. And it's easy for him since most of his friends are supermodels! With a diet restricted to french fries (no ketchup, please, that's a vegetable!) and a hectic schedule of party-hopping, photo shoots, and clever small talk, Dave has no trouble staying in shape.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Seven: Put on a Happy Face

Guido wakes up smiling every day. He puts on his sexy happy pants and goes for a run, rain or shine. When he's out running, the birds all sing a little more vigorously, traffic jams unsnarl themselves, and neighbors put down their rakes and get to know each other for a change. Happy Guido runs and runs, bringing joy and peace and harmony wherever he goes, and when he gets home he makes prank calls to his still unconscious drinking buddies.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Six: A Caution Against Overreach

BP Fitness Guide, Part Five: Let's Get Physical

I follow a very strict, very traditional fitness plan. I go to the gym every day for at least an hour, and if I can't go to the gym for some reason like they're not open or I have a 103 degree fever, I go home and work out with one or two or three of my enormous collection of exercise DVDs. I get plenty of rest, drink hundreds of glasses of water each day, use moisturizers and toothpaste faithfully, and adhere to the following diet without exception:

Breakfast: large iced skim latte (now with some decaf) and a gigantic cookie
Snack: whatever leftover brownies or fudge some smart ass left in the breakroom
Lunch: one of whatever everyone else is having at whatever business lunch meeting or training event this is
Snack: large iced skim latte (maybe a little decaf in there) and a power bar to get in the mood for the gym
Dinner: pizza and ice cream
Snack: more ice cream

BP Fitness Guide, Part Four: Stay Limber

Sixteen Kendells has some superior skills. A semi-retired semi-professional athlete, he has learned through devastating injury and extensive rehab the value of flexibility. Kendell stretches and stretches and stretches much more than his mind to reach his personal fitness goals.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Three: The Buddy System

As a scientist, Josh of Seagulls knows the value of teamwork. His research has shown that a workout which incorporates variety, collaboration, the first and second laws of thermodynamics, and a pinch of competition can be up to 73% more effective than, say, the more passive approach of certain non-human members of the band. To reach his health and wellness goals, Josh of Seagulls makes sure to find time for the study of health and wellness journals during his fifteen hours of daily reading. He experiments enthusiastically with each new fad diet and breakthrough workout plan and summarizes the results for his many scholarly associates.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Two: A Sensible Plan

Tommy Tubular sure has a level head! He practices moderation in everything, eating only 1.25 slices of gooey Pinch Penny pizza and never beginning a workout without thoroughly warming up first. He CAN walk past the Krispy Kremes without excitement and never needs to smoke a pack of cigarettes in one sitting. Tommy checks his heart rate once an hour and gets a CBC and lipid profile done quarterly. He has developed an exercise regimen that not only promotes his best health and sexiest figure but also enhances mental and spiritual well-being, but Tommy is wise enough to know that what works for him may cause injury or loss of XBox time for others, so he doesn't brag or boast or offer his great plan for sale. Even when hotties like these two try to charm it out of him!

BP Fitness Guide, Part One: Easy Does It!

The Jessbot 3000 undergoes meticulous recalibration every day, which is why if you try to call him on his cell between 6:30 and 9:00AM you won't get through. He receives extra care on Sundays, starting just before brunch with a thorough polishing of all knobs and buttons and finishing in the evening with our patented "circuit board soak." His GPS implant is currently due for an upgrade, but otherwise we need only provide a steady diet of fine dining twelve times a week to keep the Jessbot purring.

New Year's Resolutions

Every year at this time, people talk a lot of smack about plans for self-improvement. They skip right past the lifestyle modifications of greatest promise such as closer monitoring of stock performance and neater presentation of plans to downsize, and they focus on trivia like quitting drinking or smoking, firming up their bottoms, and spending more time with the kids. Alas, I may be too forward-thinking for the masses, so I will cave to popular demand. As this is the season of PE, I reluctantly present a variety of unique yet effective fitness options, based on the current health habits of actual members of the Brat Pack.

Monday, February 12, 2007


I have successfully shaken off the thing that took over my blogger identity and silenced me for these many months. It's all babbling from here on out, baby!

The Silent Winter

I was protesting because I found out that Jesse Van Halen failed to read one of the posts in a timely fashion. With that news burning my ass, the whole darn blog fell silent for an eternity. We'll just see how it goes from here on.

Sunday, February 11, 2007


On November 14, 2006, the thing which was Lynndi Lauper was instructed to stop talking, yelling, singing, sighing, whispering, and so forth due to a severe vocal cord injury. At that time, mysterious magical forces gained control of her blogger accounts, if not of her soul, and quieted all the posting just as it quieted the chatterbox herself. She is trapped, as it were, in this entity called The Devas until she figures out how to reestablish her blogger identity or chews her way out. Good luck, LDL! May the force be with you.