With the Use of Amazing Future Technology, We Now Predict the Weather

Due to the presence of tiny suns and secondary clues "0%" and "NNE11" next to 1PM, 2PM, 3PM, 4PM, 5PM, 6PM, 7PM, and 8PM on a smartphone, it is unlikely that rain will interfere with the Elvis and X-Krush portions of today's Fireside Bar & Grill parking lot extravaganza.

However, an eerie grey moon next to 9PM suggests that The Brat Pack's sets may be a mass hallucination triggered by unexpected visits from outer space aliens hiding behind the lonely luminary.

Unless the moon really is made of cheese and we decide to split it with them.

Update

We could try predicting the weather, but what do we know.

As for the news, a bad thing happened, much to the surprise of some, and an in-depth investigation may or may not follow.

Up to the Minute News and Weather!

News: (undisclosed location) To welcome the new family, a neighbor made chocolate chip cookies using real butter. They did lick the spoon, consuming a small bit of raw dough, but because the eggs they had used did not contain salmonella, they did not die. This time. However, the spoon was reintroduced into the batter to produce one last sheet of cookies. Although tradition holds that the baking temperature might have been high enough to kill some of that bacteria, there is a chance the new neighbors will get a stomach ache. More on this story at 10.

Weather: some wind was out of control for a while, but now it's not, and there could be rain at some point. Residents are advised to take shelter.

Today's Big Headlines are Like a Time Warp!

Yesterday's superstars have been very very busy making headlines, movies, and sometimes bail. Let's snoop.

Hangin out is Always Hype.

Hollywood Gossip reports that Tone Loc was arrested for domestic violence last Saturday and goes on about his arrest record and professional life, noting that he is "perhaps known for his gravelly voice and laid-back attitude." Perhaps!

Bigger Than Blogposts?
You can barely open a newspaper app on your smartphone without a head-on collision with stars from the 80s! Three of four huge celebs below have something in common. Guess what it is! And the odd man out has also found a way to stay relevant. Try to guess that too. Maybe you'll win some valuable trademarked product for having the best answer!

Hittin the Mall.
If you didn't catch 2011's "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" starring none other than Tiffany, who really really really can't do anything wrong, then you're nuts! The 80s truly IS the future.

Not only is Tiffany more beautiful and talented than ever, but she gets to hang out with other retirees, such as Dennis Rodman, also in the news for shoving.