Friday, February 03, 2006

pinky pie please

a pac-butt is one thing, but what could possibly compare with a strategically placed little pony tat? Sunny daze on your cheek, rainbow bright on a thigh..minty...pinky pie...the tantalizing possibilities are endless... ah the dreams of '80s glory and little pink play things...

Pac Man Ass Tatoo

What could be more 80's than to get a Pac Man ass tatoo? Free Brat Pack show admission to anyone sharing their Pacbutt with the band.

-New Wave

Thursday, February 02, 2006


What hath man wrought?? And, more importantly, why is Nicholas Cage feeding this liger with a baby bottle? And why does this hideous hybrid keep growing?

What secrets do Nicholas and his friend with the horn tatoo have in store for us? Is this part of a plan to take over the world? Will Nicholas, his friend, their dreadlocked lady-friend and the liger be at the next brat pack show? Count on it.

The Esteemed Bass Player Union and You, the Brat Pack Fan

It's not easy being New Wave Dave. The demands on my time as a bass player in the Brat Pack are unending. Keeping the beat, cueing everyone where to come in on songs, preparing props, telling Electric Larry how to run his PA, preventing the JesseBot from playing too many notes - it can all take it's toll. Can you imagine asking just one Bassist to do all of this, night after night, year after year?

Well, neither can the Bass Players Union, which is why late in 2004 they intervened to establish a 2 bass miniumum in the Brat Pack. This provides not just for a safe and fair work environment for Guido Menudo and New Wave Dave, but it also assures you, the Brat Pack fan, that you will receive only the highest quality low end rumblings, brown sounds, and high quality plastic giveaways at every Brat Pack show.

What is the Bass Players Union, you might ask? I'm happy to tell you - it is an esteemed organization that has existed for centuries, promoting the 3 key values of bass - Volume, Volume, Volume. There can never be too much bass in a band or in a mix - just ask Electric Larry.

And in the Brat Pack, the Union has expanded its codes and bylaws to include distribution of fabulous props and giveaways as part of the acceptable range of job duties. Can you imagine Josh of Seagulls trying to calculate how many lai's to give out in Bloomington vs. Springfield? Or Tommy Tubular trying to decide between wrap around sunglasses and ones with dollar signs for eyes? It's an awesome responsibilty, and one that Menudo and New Wave take very seriously.

To summarize, here are some of the benefits of having 2 Union Bass Players in the Brat Pack:

* Increases band sexiness by 600%
* 2 sets of amazing stage moves to dazzle crowds with
* Mind boggling arpeggios and ingenious chord substitutions now a regular part of "Jesse's Girl"
* More souvenir photo ops with handsome devil for star struck Brat Pack fans
* Less chance to get stuck with a souvenir photo of yourself with a drummer or keyboard player
* More opportunities to block view of Josh of Seagulls while he is singing Billy Joel
* Guido Menudo now has time to lick ALL props before giving to audience
* Still no bass solos or bass vocals

Science Update

On my way back from the mall, I stopped by Josh Of Seagulls' secret laboratory to see how he's doing on the gyroscopic burrito redistribution report. He wanted me to let everyone know he's fine and that we shouldn't worry about him because he's got some support from prestigious foundations and is making great progress. I told him what Jaybriel said about trends in top secret basement laboratory research.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Manthers, Mermaids and Ape-men

Where oh where is Lynndi??? It's been hours since she posted a tasty tid-bit to read. We're dying here already.

Until she's back, check out the danger posed by manimals here:


Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Trouble with GI Joe

Everyone says we're really lucky when we can have GI Joe on a gig. They ask, "What could possibly go wrong with Joe around? He's a top-flight, first-rate crew member. He keeps Larry occupied (i.e., not showing off his salsa dance skills to the ladies) by killing the power at random points in the show. He's right there at the bar whenever you need refreshment and even risks his own life making sure every drink is tasty, free of poison, and not overly full. He takes off his pants after being told only once. He keeps the waitresses out of your way while you're humping gear. He's a fun-loving, great looking guy, a tremendously talented musician, and a fabulous driver. So how come you can't bring Joe all the time?"

The trouble with GI Joe is he makes us look fat.

A Written Warning

Watch it, Lauper. I am everywhere.

The Falconer Speaks

All right everyone, now just settle down. I'm here to make sure this whole thing doesn't go south, and I'm just the man to do it. I've been reading some of the blog entries, and have decided we need some rules. I know if this blog is left unchecked it will become a kind of Brat Pack rocket ship flying out of control into some sort of rift in space and time... a space gash, of sorts. Now, if you must question why it is I who get to make the rules, then you obviously don't belong on this blog, so please leave now.......... Is it all clear? Ok, now I shall now outline the laws of the 80's in so far as they apply to blogging, which we all know was invented in '86. First of all, it's got to be funky. If it ain't funky then it sucks. The funkier the better. On a scale of 1 to 10, it should be funk-teen. Numero dos: Please refrain from smoking cigarettes while logged onto this blog, us non-smoking folks appreciate it. Ahem. The third rule is not really a rule - don't fabricate or exaggerate anything on this site, we have to keep it real, people. Lastly, all references to me, TOMMY TUBULAR, shall be done in capital letters. This also includes my aliases: THE FALCONER, T. ALAN FALCONER, TOMMY TWO BEERS, THE CRUSHER, TOMMY G, CAKEY G, NAUGHTY ROCKSTAR, THE BEAST FROM THE EAST, BRODY RON JOHNSTONSENSON, and TOMMY KNOCKERS. I just made that last one up. So much for keeping it real.


Well, lookee here!

Smellen beat New Wave to the punch with her profile, Joliet Jen is prowling the cyberwebs while Tommy and Josh practice cryonics, and one of our former lead singers is getting the new Mac with Pentium so she can make Jesse Van Halen look bad! The other former lead singer checked in to announce she'll soon travel the world in search of superior quality footwear, and she doesn't have to share it! And I heard a rumor at the mall last night that the Brat Pack Dancers are connected to the Sasquatch comments.

So who cares that the Board of Directors paid too much for silly focus groups and now won't hear Jen's appeal? She got her hi-tops before the links disappeared anyway. And who cares if the Jessbot never runs as smoothly as it did before it was hacked and forced to eat all the peanut butter fudge? Not us. We know how to fix everything with safety pins and duct tape and a thesaurus. And what's it to us if Guido's undies aren't as shiny as they ought to be? We've got therapists and okay insurance, so we'll get over it in time. Hey, we're not even going to worry about the missing burrito anymore - we just don't need the hassle. Brat Pack Chicks rock no matter what misfortune befalls us. As long as we have Larry.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Has Anyone Seen Guido's Package?

What's Missing! I check the web site, and on the first page is a photo of Guido Menudo. I looked long and hard at the photo, but I have to admit, no package. This might be a photoshop trick but I'm starting to wonder about him. Any ideas?

It's An 80s Moral Imperative

Happy Monday, Brat Pack and friends (sic). I hope you slept well because I sure didn't. I kept thinking about how bad it would be to forget to remind ourselves about the top secret bload oath we took in the dressing room at S2X this weekend. New Wave Dave has a Brat Pack related email address, but I can't remember it, so I'm going to have to drive over to Tommy's house and throw rocks at his windows to wake him to ask him the new email address so that I can then post it HERE so that you can send begging letters to New Wave Dave or Diamond Dave or Artsy Fartsy Dave or whatever he is today. Plead, cajole, and threaten the guy to infiltrate DJ Katy said we'd be on there, and I am not willing to cross the sexiest DJ on earth by making her look like a liar.

Then call Guido and ask him to run over to Josh's house to have him call Larry to see if he would be willing to spend his lunch hour driving around Tommy's house honking the horn and running his truck up into the yard in order to wake Tommy up so he can create his profile and see what a mess I've made of things. Tommy is going to be hopping mad when finds out the Jessbot's security was compromised and that the hacker got peanut butter fudge all over Jaybriel's new computer. I am almost finished with the new Jesse Van Halen settings, and the Jessbot 3000 is about 87% recalibrated. The new lube is working like a charm (thanks, Larry!) So tell Tom all of that. I'm going to bed.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

We Finally Won Something!

This is incredible! We are totally honored to announce that, thanks to an average of 4,932,108 hits per day and our consistently blazing political discourse, we have been named The Best New Blog of January 29, 2006 by the Commission to Distract People from Important Junk Like Having Dinner or Getting Some Sleep. I just got done talking on the phone with the Commissioner about all of our social security numbers and street addresses and the like, and he said our check's in the mail! This is just overwhelming.

Will Josh Ever Find the Burrito?

This weekend was very difficult for us.

Yeah, sure there were all those delicious, hot Pinch Penny Pub pizzas, the most talented audience EVER (I can't say which, but you know who you are,) uneventful drives to and fro, superb crew-manship (Ateri and Sixteen Kendalls,) few technical problems, minimal loss of blood, a blindingly sexy DJ, enough duct tape for all, well-controlled facial hair, and pleasant conversation. But one night, after we were all loaded out and ready to hit the road, our very own innocent Josh of Seagulls was pulled into such unexpected suffering and woe that we ALL now require a period of cleansing. Please keep us in your prayers.

Josh had paused by the loaded van, calculating pi as he typically does in moments of repose, when a young man emerged as a phantom from the fog, approaching with heart and soul outstretched. Their eyes locked for what seemed an eternity, until the man could shake off his alcoholic stupor for a second and string together the words that will haunt Josh, and every life Josh's life ever touches, forever: "Dude, did you see a, like, huge burrito fall outta my pocket when I ran by here before?"

Is This Thing On?

Larry! One two, Larry?