Larry Survives a Room Full of Chicks

It must be Larryday in Larryland, and it's likely to be that way for a long time, since he kicked so much butt in our Absolute Body Conditioning class. On his first visit, no less. Sure he could have used his charms, his subtle conversation, his flowing golden locks, and his sexy shoulder moves to distract the room full of pros and take it easy on himself. But he didn't. He showed up early, stayed to the bitter end, and played fair the whole dang time. They say no man can surviive Wednesday ABC for long, that they sneak out the backdoor shaking their heads and go lie around in the stretching room where they can cry and pretend it's sweat. Larry is no longer just the manliest man in all of Bratpackdom, he is now the manliest man in Downstate Illinois! After class he went back to work too, hauling speakers up ladders until the break of dawn when he headed back to his other job. Wow. May Larry jumprope, sprint, bound, sumo-squat, plank, high-knee run, tricep-dip, scissorjack, and lungewalk with the fine asskickers of Wednesday ABC forevah!

BP Fitness Guide, Part Seven: Put on a Happy Face

Guido wakes up smiling every day. He puts on his sexy happy pants and goes for a run, rain or shine. When he's out running, the birds all sing a little more vigorously, traffic jams unsnarl themselves, and neighbors put down their rakes and get to know each other for a change. Happy Guido runs and runs, bringing joy and peace and harmony wherever he goes, and when he gets home he makes prank calls to his still unconscious drinking buddies.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Five: Let's Get Physical

I follow a very strict, very traditional fitness plan. I go to the gym every day for at least an hour, and if I can't go to the gym for some reason like they're not open or I have a 103 degree fever, I go home and work out with one or two or three of my enormous collection of exercise DVDs. I get plenty of rest, drink hundreds of glasses of water each day, use moisturizers and toothpaste faithfully, and adhere to the following diet without exception:

Breakfast: large iced skim latte (now with some decaf) and a gigantic cookie
Snack: whatever leftover brownies or fudge some smart ass left in the breakroom
Lunch: one of whatever everyone else is having at whatever business lunch meeting or training event this is
Snack: large iced skim latte (maybe a little decaf in there) and a power bar to get in the mood for the gym
Dinner: pizza and ice cream
Snack: more ice cream

BP Fitness Guide, Part Four: Stay Limber

Sixteen Kendells has some superior skills. A semi-retired semi-professional athlete, he has learned through devastating injury and extensive rehab the value of flexibility. Kendell stretches and stretches and stretches much more than his mind to reach his personal fitness goals.

BP Fitness Guide, Part One: Easy Does It!

The Jessbot 3000 undergoes meticulous recalibration every day, which is why if you try to call him on his cell between 6:30 and 9:00AM you won't get through. He receives extra care on Sundays, starting just before brunch with a thorough polishing of all knobs and buttons and finishing in the evening with our patented "circuit board soak." His GPS implant is currently due for an upgrade, but otherwise we need only provide a steady diet of fine dining twelve times a week to keep the Jessbot purring.

New Year's Resolutions

Every year at this time, people talk a lot of smack about plans for self-improvement. They skip right past the lifestyle modifications of greatest promise such as closer monitoring of stock performance and neater presentation of plans to downsize, and they focus on trivia like quitting drinking or smoking, firming up their bottoms, and spending more time with the kids. Alas, I may be too forward-thinking for the masses, so I will cave to popular demand. As this is the season of PE, I reluctantly present a variety of unique yet effective fitness options, based on the current health habits of actual members of the Brat Pack.