And To All A Good Night!!

We've been waiting for Santa to get out of the bathroom all month. Rudolph is warmed up and knows how to use google and yahoomaps. We made some cheap plastic shit for all the kids, so I guess this is it.


We'd like to thank Toy Soldier of Rock Jimi Lee Roth for kicking it with us at the Copper Dragon Christmas Party. We'd also like to thank his friends who shot over 700 photos at that show. (Hey, are they elves too?) Here's Jimi with two of the many lovely ladies of Southern.

And if it's not too late, I want to extend my sincerest apologies to the fine people of Davis Electric, Frasca, Dealer Marketing Services, Midwest Technical Institute, The Rockford Spine Center, and all their friends and dates. I am really really sorry that I sang in a snowman costume at your company's holiday party. That could have been terrifying for some.

But the tree thing was okay, right?

This Time We Have a Really Good Explanation

There have been some complaints from readers and critics alike (well, maybe reader and critic) about the recent lull in blog action. We would like to apologize and offer an explanation which, if not immediately plausible, will surely tug at your heartstrings and evoke forgiveness.

After Thanksgiving, a kind of hush had settled over us, a tryptophan trance followed by a pecan pie high and a decaf low. In this vulnerable state, we were abducted by elves who hauled us by sleigh to the north pole to conduct experiments, and we know for sure that they stole our camera phones and took dirty pictures of themselves before restoring us to our nice warm beds and partially erasing our memories so that when we woke up all we knew was that two weeks had passed and we'd been near some striped butts.

Witness our terror in the night sky!


And who wouldn't be traumatized by matching elfin booties.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND THESAURUS

Cash Advance Loans

Holidays: Cute or Horrifying?

This is the kind of amusing banter I imagine the Pilgrims offered up to the Wampanoag back in 1621."Did you hear about the keyboard player who was so bad even the lead singer noticed?"

Pilgrims Preparing a Feast

Q. What do you do if there's a bass player staggering around in your yard?
A. Shoot him again.

Happy Sunday!

Foretold

Forewarned

Forearmed

Another Deal Gone Sour

Well, once the boys finished shooting the "high-budget" feature Hot Buttered Elves (coming to a quality adult cineplex near you, X-mas 2007), they were sure they'd be paid for their services. I mean, everyone had performed as contracted, and when "Mike," the producer, said they'd be paid "after a while," you can imagine.... Not that they won't pursue further "acting" options, but you can bet they won't be working with "Mike" again.

Alice in Satan's Domain

Where I work, you see a lot of things. Some good, mostly bad, some you'd never want to see, some you'll never forget. As a Soul Crusher, I think I've seen just about the worst. This was too much, though. Those glaring eyes, like the pimiento in a martini olive, boring into you, demanding more than you can ever give. Christ on a Crutch. You can understand why the king sent her on her way. She'll be back though, you can just tell.

Every Picture Tells A Story...Oops, Wrong Decade...[Insert J. Geils Band Lyric Here]

Meanwhile, downstairs at the Bada Bing, cryogenically frozen entertainers are thawed out in preparation for Paulie Walnuts' impending birthday bash.

So, a guitarist, a headless drummer and a bear walk into a bar...

NEW FEATURE! Guest Super-Bloggers in the House!

I finally got wise and turned over the reins to an assortment of gifted authors, among them intellectuals, world-famous blog personalities, rock stars, and tireless champions of social justice. They have agreed to help explain several images stinking up our vault, sights begging to be seen with stories never before told. Enjoy!

Trivia Contest Tainted with Controversy!

Our blog-only trivia contest has closed, at an arbitrary time and without warning, amidst uncertainty and confusion. The winner, with 9 of 9 correct answers, is "Anonymous," and because I can't tell for sure if that's a truly anonymous "anonymous" or is perhaps the REAL "anonymous" who used to be in the band and has her own blog, we either have an invisible winner who wants no prize or attention or we're cheating by handing it to someone who used to be in the band and still knows all our secrets. To make it even harder to settle this thing is a two-way tie for second place (with 8 of 9 each.) What's a blog administrator to do?


ANSWERS:

1. a. The rhythm sections prefers compression. No one else really cares.

2. d. Josh of Seagulls played a noisy short order cook in the Country Bears - "Order up!"

3. c. We'll accept any answer for the skirt question, but "c" is the smart bet.

4. a or f. It is unknown what Tommy Tubular does all day, but because some of us believe he burps babies and books bands all day, that's a valid answer too.

5. c. Lynndi Lauper is a certified sexuality educator who has even been certified to train other educators, only she won't do any of it because it's like totally embarrassing.

6. f. New Wave Dave/Diamond Dave is some kind of martial arts teacher guy.

7. g. Sixteen Kendells is a licensed pyro - KERPLOWEE!!

8. e. Guido Menudo! but how would you know this unless you asked us, and then we wouldn't tell you, so any answer works here.

9. d. New Wave Dave's kind of a purist.


Anyone for some TIE-BREAKERS?

1. Which "member" of the Brat Pack is an ordained minister?

2. Name the two bocce champions.

Friendly Reminders

It's never too late to call Vickie at The Hawthorne Suites in Champaign and purchase a "package" (I just love that) for Friday night's big shoe.

The discerning eye will squint and locate New Wave Dave AKA Diamond Dave AKA Bjorn Borg AKA Koko's Ghost AKA Cheerleader Guy AKA Rico Tubbs et cetera.

And this is Mr. Kendells smartly disguised as Lynndi Lauper in her Jam Master Jay costume.

I know we've said this before, but it bears repeating: it's logical to dance with a Klingon.

Double or Nothing?

I’ve searched the world over for a puzzle, a conundrum that might stump our Contest Prize Winner and her pal, The Other Contest Prize Winner, but I keep coming up short. Meanwhile, she happened to win another weekly trivia, sinking us deeper in debt. So how about a wager, putting it all on a Brat Pack trivia contest, only not with questions about the 80s or about the movie stars known as “the Brat Pack,” but with questions about this Brat Pack, a bunch of people you can’t easily google. Questions about stuff that even our mothers might not know! Great. Let’s get started.



Which “members” of the Brat Pack choose compression over commando?
a. the rhythm section
b. everyone except the rhythm section
c. Electric Larry
d. Jesse Van Halen and Tommy Tubular
e. none of the above

What famous Hollywood movie did Josh of Seagulls star in?
a. Finding Nemo
b. The Dukes of Hazzard
c. Hurly Burly
d. The Country Bears
e. Deathproof
f. Walking Tall

Who looks better in a skirt?
a. Guido Menudo
b. Lynndi Lauper
c. All of the above

What do you suppose Tommy Tubular does with his free time?
a. studies hard, parties harder, burps babies, books bands
b. ichats all day with bff Ed Van Halen, rides bike through enchanted forests
c. hangs out at cafes working on a novel
d. fixes airplane engines, reads science fiction novels
e. eats bonbons, practices aromatherapy
f. it is unknown

Which member of the Brat Pack is a certified sexuality educator?
a. Tommy Tubular
b. Josh of Seagulls
c. Lynndi Lauper
d. Jesse Van Halen
e. Guido Menudo
f. New Wave Dave
g. Sixteen Kendells
h. Electric Larry

Which member of the Brat Pack is some kind of martial arts expert?
a. Tommy Tubular
b. Josh of Seagulls
c. Lynndi Lauper
d. Jesse Van Halen
e. Guido Menudo
f. New Wave Dave
g. Sixteen Kendells
h. Electric Larry

Which member of the Brat Pack is a licensed pyrotechnician?
a. Tommy Tubular
b. Josh of Seagulls
c. Lynndi Lauper
d. Jesse Van Halen
e. Guido Menudo
f. New Wave Dave
g. Sixteen Kendells
h. Electric Larry

Which member of the Brat Pack has a license to ill?
a. Tommy Tubular
b. Josh of Seagulls
c. Lynndi Lauper
d. Jesse Van Halen
e. Guido Menudo
f. New Wave Dave
g. Sixteen Kendells
h. Electric Larry

What is New Wave Dave’s “Wham Line?”
a. Culture Club
b. Bananarama
c. New Edition
d. Wham
e. The Police
f. Whitesnake

More Things We Saw in Space that Will Blow Your Mind!!!

We saw a zombie (I think he was a zombie - he had a pencil sticking out of his shoulder, so I just assumed.)
And we saw a zombie hunter!
We saw a mysterious outer space alien waving hi.
And then we saw Dog, Bounty Hunter, probably chasing after the mysterious space alien who was waving hi.
We saw a pimpin Dr. T (AKA Dr. Terry, man with the shots.)When we saw the Parents of the Future, we got nervous and had Scotty beam us back up.

Happy Halloween from the Space Gash!

While we were out there drifting around, we learned that space is filled with hott chix dressed as pirates and cops, the fuel of the future is popcorn, not all the guys in red shirts have to die, it's logical to dance with a Klingon, genetic engineering can be dangerous, and a little bit of crotch never hurts when you're boldly going where no man has gone before.

Here's a Scene We Carefully Reenacted this Weekend

I See Dead Rock Stars

Tommy sent this link as a friendly reminder:

Average Age at Death of Included Rock Stars (1) 36.9 Years
Average Age at Death of Americans (2) 75.8 Years

Happy Haunting!

It Appears We Are Easily Replaced

So the Brat Pack showed up at our gig. They looked and smelled and sounded better than we do, and they walked away with real cash, not that paper fun money we're so loose with. The Guido was late, as were two out of four Lynndi Laupers. The Tommy Tubular even busted a classic Tommy move, a pose we lovingly call "wtf is wrong with my amp?"

Oh, Screw It

After Friday night's Halloween Party at Jillian's, we had so many bruises, cuts, and ailments that trying to pick a winner only added to our stress and pain. Do you think our regular "Injury of the Week" feature is bringing some kind of bad mojo and should perhaps be discontinued before someone really gets it?

Can We See That Again?

It's just so delightfully complex.

Injury of the Week IS an Amazing Scientific Discovery!

This is a picture of Sixteen Kendells showing off his mostly normal hand, sometime before October 19, when it was still mostly normal. Before he turned into a religious freakshow.




And this is a "borrowed," photo-shopped, mirror-image of a simulated approximation of what his hand sort of looked like just after being attacked by the monitor board during load-in last Friday night. Creepy, huh? We're thinking we could make some extra cash off this because who doesn't love some gory stigmata?

Time for a Picture of Tommy in a Swirling Whirl of Nonsense

That's Tommy Tubular pretending to be Captain James TIBERIUS (not "Tubular" or even "Totally") Kirk dressed up as Run DMC considering whether to boldly make out with Yoda as they drift through a chillingly desolate wormhole guided only by the glow of a stained Brat Pack backdrop and a large out-of-focus post. I sure hope those cans don't fall on their heads because it would be hard to work any references to the Karate Kid into this one.

Amazing Scientific Discoveries, Part 299 792 458 m/s

Space, the final frontier.

Larry went to Chicago to have the flux capacitor repaired. He made it back okay, though he missed ABC class in the effort.

Now that we have sufficient power to mess with the space/time continuum again, we'll be going where no man has gone before, i.e. the space gash.

With luck, we'll find intelligent life or some cool rocks out there.

Injury of the Week: Poor Little Neglected Blog

Tsk, tsk, Brat Pack. What have you been doing that's so much more important than posting on your blog?
Just remember that if you neglect your responsibilities long enough, they'll eventually be outsourced to some guy who's like three times smarter than you and willing to do it for half the pay, and then everyone will laugh at you and call you a stupid loser. So post something already, ding-dongs.

Guess What Tommy Tubular's Doing Tonight?

Believe this: Tommy Tubular (AKA the Brett Favre of Guitar) is actually watching the real Van Halen LIVE in concert FOR REAL.

No lie.

Amazing Scientific Discoveries, Part 5

Uncle Jeff, Noted Astrophysicist, writes to say that he went ahead and read the article by Rosenkranz, Williamon, and Rothwell from Journal of Neuroscience 27(19):5200-6, 2007 May 9. He correctly assumed that we'd never get around to reading it (but would say we did) and sent highlights:

p.5200 "Musicians not only have extraordinary motor and sensory skills, but they also have an increased ability to learn new tasks compared with non-musicians."

p.5200 "Similarly, musicians who started musical training before 7 years of age learn a timed motor sequence task much better than musicians who started later or non-musicians."


p.5203 "These features are compatible with the idea that both motorcortical excitability and plasticity are heightened in musicians. Because some of these changes depend on the age at which instrumental playing commenced, we hypothesize that they reflect adaptation to long-term musical practice."

p.5204 "Indeed, changes in gray matter are larger in musicians who started earlier, and they reflect the choice of instrument, consistent with a causal connection between presumed synaptic growth and the duration and pattern of training."


p.5205 "the number of hours of practice is well known to relate to musical skill"

p.5205 "Our experiments do not directly assess whether increased synaptic plasticity is produced by musical training, as a complex motor task and also a multimodal-sensory and emotional experience, or whether it is a genetic trait of successful musicians. However, some parameters correlated significantly with the age at which playing commenced as well as with practice intensity over the last 5 years."


p.5205 "Although this does not completely rule out any preselectional bias, it seems likely that some of the changes of excitability and plasticity are a consequence of long-term musical practice."

p.5205 "These changes may represent a beneficial adaptation in response to long-term musical training"


That's a lot of science for one day, so you're probably glad I skipped the bass player joke.