Possible Prizes for Tracy

I went through Larry's stuff while he was out doing an emergency install (he was tipped off by an anonymous phone call - hee hee,) and I came up with some ideas for Tracy's puzzle prize. Do you like?

We Have A Winner!

She's mysterious AND brilliant. We know her only as "Tracy" (that's not her in the picture, but it is a hint,) and she was able to solve the hardest puzzle ever published in the whole world. Now we have to figure out what the prize should be. Your suggestions are welcome. And remember that we are mad at Larry about the whole Hawaii thing, so if the prize could be something that he owns, that would be best for everyone.

Larry's Christmas Vacation

Yeah, that's what Larry "The Big Show Off" Soundguy did in Hawaii for Christmas, while we shoveled and sniffled and harumphed around here. And then he made me wait two months for the pictures. Feel free to hate him with me.

Happy Valentine's Day

End of the Road?

I can't blog without awesome cool pictures. My photographers have all gone into retirement. What am I supposed to do now? DRAW??? You won't like that, believe me.

Here Comes Fun!

I hope everyone made it through Groundhog Day (six more weeks of winter, baby) without serious physical or emotional injury. Thanks to an unprecedented convergence of hearts and moons and stars and comets, we're just hours away from the once in a lifetime hugest ever reason for a party - Super Fat Tuesday!

We'll add to the already overwhelming big thrills by throwing beautiful strings of beads (sent directly to us from New Orleans) into the hands of fully clothed humans over at the High Dive while reliving the precious moment of casting our primary votes.

So Larry, How was Your Vacation?

Because Larry "Mr. Hawaii" the Soundguy can't figure out how to email me those sexy pictures of himself conquering the surf on Christmas, I have to resort to coercion.

I don't attempt bullying, extortion, blackmail, or humiliation without first consulting bff "Anonymous" (you can read more about that floozie here.) Anyhoo, she claims to have evidence previously concealed from the band and public about Larry's crew and rig at our Bahamas show. Some speculate that he's not pictured here because he was down the beach negotiating with locals or hitting the waterslides while high on jager, but I think he's just shy.

Star Wars 5.25: The Empire Takes Names

You probably didn't know that the Falcon's hyperdrive requires 1.21 gigawatts of power to jump to light speed. You might have noticed the team of AV dudes controlling the juice so we wouldn't explode from our own rockening. Can you guess which one just flew in from Hawaii?

Alright, back to the intergalactic drama. Here's Lord Vader being a good dad, laying it down for his kids.

One of the kids learned to sing like a Wookie.

The other one was getting down.

All You Puzzle People!

Help. I know there's a crowd of brainiacs out there just waiting for a terrible teaser. My deeply anonymous West Coast contact has passed along this challenge (TWICE):

"Speaking of puzzles, my mathematic friend, I posted one on halloween and haven't heard your solution yet. Here it is again (see image). The idea is that the Xs may stand for different numbers, i.e. any given X is not necessarily the same as any other X. Relying upon the basic tenets of long division, however, it is possible to figure out what each X stands for, and derive the quotient. I look forward to your solution."



I can't find a pencil or paper, so I'm willing to pretend your solution is my solution. Any takers?

Star Wars 4.98: The Empire Kicks Butt

Tough night for Han Solo! He couldn't get the dang thing to jump to lightspeed (stupid hyperdrive,) and then it was one villain after another on bass all night long.

Vader put the whammy on him, making his throat kind of dry and scratchy just before he had to sing a Journey or Bon Jovi tune.

He couldn't even let his guard down when Boba Fett left the stage for good because these fellows started coming after him with multi-colored inflatable bass guitars.

It's not easy to play drums when you're frozen in carbonite.

Even if the party is on.

Carbonite pretty much sucks.

Star Wars 5.333334: The Empire Knocks Off

We're looking for a short, green, 900 year old guy, but this chocolate will do.

Star Wars 4.5: The Empire Talks Back

So there we were, Luke and Han and I, just chillin at the Hilton, relieved to have filled the tank in a galaxy far, far away rather than Springfield. We had no idea that Boba Fett had stowed away and was now sneaking up behind us. Fortunately, the ghost of Obi Wan Jedi-mind-tricked him into playing bass.

The ghost of Obi Wan's spell-casting didn't end there. Here he is persuading a wayward protocol droid to back off.

Success!

Then we learned that it's true your hair keeps growing after you're dead. Poor Ghost of Obi Wan. We doubted he'd hook up looking like that.

Happily, a Klingon stopped by.

I designed this logo for a website that I helped develop in 1997. I'm sure Lynndi will see the irony :)

And To All A Good Night!!

We've been waiting for Santa to get out of the bathroom all month. Rudolph is warmed up and knows how to use google and yahoomaps. We made some cheap plastic shit for all the kids, so I guess this is it.


We'd like to thank Toy Soldier of Rock Jimi Lee Roth for kicking it with us at the Copper Dragon Christmas Party. We'd also like to thank his friends who shot over 700 photos at that show. (Hey, are they elves too?) Here's Jimi with two of the many lovely ladies of Southern.

And if it's not too late, I want to extend my sincerest apologies to the fine people of Davis Electric, Frasca, Dealer Marketing Services, Midwest Technical Institute, The Rockford Spine Center, and all their friends and dates. I am really really sorry that I sang in a snowman costume at your company's holiday party. That could have been terrifying for some.

But the tree thing was okay, right?

This Time We Have a Really Good Explanation

There have been some complaints from readers and critics alike (well, maybe reader and critic) about the recent lull in blog action. We would like to apologize and offer an explanation which, if not immediately plausible, will surely tug at your heartstrings and evoke forgiveness.

After Thanksgiving, a kind of hush had settled over us, a tryptophan trance followed by a pecan pie high and a decaf low. In this vulnerable state, we were abducted by elves who hauled us by sleigh to the north pole to conduct experiments, and we know for sure that they stole our camera phones and took dirty pictures of themselves before restoring us to our nice warm beds and partially erasing our memories so that when we woke up all we knew was that two weeks had passed and we'd been near some striped butts.

Witness our terror in the night sky!


And who wouldn't be traumatized by matching elfin booties.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND THESAURUS

Cash Advance Loans

Holidays: Cute or Horrifying?

This is the kind of amusing banter I imagine the Pilgrims offered up to the Wampanoag back in 1621."Did you hear about the keyboard player who was so bad even the lead singer noticed?"

Pilgrims Preparing a Feast

Q. What do you do if there's a bass player staggering around in your yard?
A. Shoot him again.

Happy Sunday!

Foretold

Forewarned

Forearmed

Another Deal Gone Sour

Well, once the boys finished shooting the "high-budget" feature Hot Buttered Elves (coming to a quality adult cineplex near you, X-mas 2007), they were sure they'd be paid for their services. I mean, everyone had performed as contracted, and when "Mike," the producer, said they'd be paid "after a while," you can imagine.... Not that they won't pursue further "acting" options, but you can bet they won't be working with "Mike" again.

Alice in Satan's Domain

Where I work, you see a lot of things. Some good, mostly bad, some you'd never want to see, some you'll never forget. As a Soul Crusher, I think I've seen just about the worst. This was too much, though. Those glaring eyes, like the pimiento in a martini olive, boring into you, demanding more than you can ever give. Christ on a Crutch. You can understand why the king sent her on her way. She'll be back though, you can just tell.

Every Picture Tells A Story...Oops, Wrong Decade...[Insert J. Geils Band Lyric Here]

Meanwhile, downstairs at the Bada Bing, cryogenically frozen entertainers are thawed out in preparation for Paulie Walnuts' impending birthday bash.

So, a guitarist, a headless drummer and a bear walk into a bar...

NEW FEATURE! Guest Super-Bloggers in the House!

I finally got wise and turned over the reins to an assortment of gifted authors, among them intellectuals, world-famous blog personalities, rock stars, and tireless champions of social justice. They have agreed to help explain several images stinking up our vault, sights begging to be seen with stories never before told. Enjoy!

Trivia Contest Tainted with Controversy!

Our blog-only trivia contest has closed, at an arbitrary time and without warning, amidst uncertainty and confusion. The winner, with 9 of 9 correct answers, is "Anonymous," and because I can't tell for sure if that's a truly anonymous "anonymous" or is perhaps the REAL "anonymous" who used to be in the band and has her own blog, we either have an invisible winner who wants no prize or attention or we're cheating by handing it to someone who used to be in the band and still knows all our secrets. To make it even harder to settle this thing is a two-way tie for second place (with 8 of 9 each.) What's a blog administrator to do?


ANSWERS:

1. a. The rhythm sections prefers compression. No one else really cares.

2. d. Josh of Seagulls played a noisy short order cook in the Country Bears - "Order up!"

3. c. We'll accept any answer for the skirt question, but "c" is the smart bet.

4. a or f. It is unknown what Tommy Tubular does all day, but because some of us believe he burps babies and books bands all day, that's a valid answer too.

5. c. Lynndi Lauper is a certified sexuality educator who has even been certified to train other educators, only she won't do any of it because it's like totally embarrassing.

6. f. New Wave Dave/Diamond Dave is some kind of martial arts teacher guy.

7. g. Sixteen Kendells is a licensed pyro - KERPLOWEE!!

8. e. Guido Menudo! but how would you know this unless you asked us, and then we wouldn't tell you, so any answer works here.

9. d. New Wave Dave's kind of a purist.


Anyone for some TIE-BREAKERS?

1. Which "member" of the Brat Pack is an ordained minister?

2. Name the two bocce champions.

Friendly Reminders

It's never too late to call Vickie at The Hawthorne Suites in Champaign and purchase a "package" (I just love that) for Friday night's big shoe.

The discerning eye will squint and locate New Wave Dave AKA Diamond Dave AKA Bjorn Borg AKA Koko's Ghost AKA Cheerleader Guy AKA Rico Tubbs et cetera.

And this is Mr. Kendells smartly disguised as Lynndi Lauper in her Jam Master Jay costume.

I know we've said this before, but it bears repeating: it's logical to dance with a Klingon.

Double or Nothing?

I’ve searched the world over for a puzzle, a conundrum that might stump our Contest Prize Winner and her pal, The Other Contest Prize Winner, but I keep coming up short. Meanwhile, she happened to win another weekly trivia, sinking us deeper in debt. So how about a wager, putting it all on a Brat Pack trivia contest, only not with questions about the 80s or about the movie stars known as “the Brat Pack,” but with questions about this Brat Pack, a bunch of people you can’t easily google. Questions about stuff that even our mothers might not know! Great. Let’s get started.



Which “members” of the Brat Pack choose compression over commando?
a. the rhythm section
b. everyone except the rhythm section
c. Electric Larry
d. Jesse Van Halen and Tommy Tubular
e. none of the above

What famous Hollywood movie did Josh of Seagulls star in?
a. Finding Nemo
b. The Dukes of Hazzard
c. Hurly Burly
d. The Country Bears
e. Deathproof
f. Walking Tall

Who looks better in a skirt?
a. Guido Menudo
b. Lynndi Lauper
c. All of the above

What do you suppose Tommy Tubular does with his free time?
a. studies hard, parties harder, burps babies, books bands
b. ichats all day with bff Ed Van Halen, rides bike through enchanted forests
c. hangs out at cafes working on a novel
d. fixes airplane engines, reads science fiction novels
e. eats bonbons, practices aromatherapy
f. it is unknown

Which member of the Brat Pack is a certified sexuality educator?
a. Tommy Tubular
b. Josh of Seagulls
c. Lynndi Lauper
d. Jesse Van Halen
e. Guido Menudo
f. New Wave Dave
g. Sixteen Kendells
h. Electric Larry

Which member of the Brat Pack is some kind of martial arts expert?
a. Tommy Tubular
b. Josh of Seagulls
c. Lynndi Lauper
d. Jesse Van Halen
e. Guido Menudo
f. New Wave Dave
g. Sixteen Kendells
h. Electric Larry

Which member of the Brat Pack is a licensed pyrotechnician?
a. Tommy Tubular
b. Josh of Seagulls
c. Lynndi Lauper
d. Jesse Van Halen
e. Guido Menudo
f. New Wave Dave
g. Sixteen Kendells
h. Electric Larry

Which member of the Brat Pack has a license to ill?
a. Tommy Tubular
b. Josh of Seagulls
c. Lynndi Lauper
d. Jesse Van Halen
e. Guido Menudo
f. New Wave Dave
g. Sixteen Kendells
h. Electric Larry

What is New Wave Dave’s “Wham Line?”
a. Culture Club
b. Bananarama
c. New Edition
d. Wham
e. The Police
f. Whitesnake