Tommy Was Just Thinking About Something

Nothing Says Easter Like Peeps Riding Ponies

Doesn't the story of Christ's resurrection make every kid from 8 to 80 dream of pure sugar delights astride color-coordinated steeds? And now that you're in the mood for solemn religious occasions, here comes the Seventh Annual Brat Pack Easter Pageant Extravaganza!

Someone named "Katy M" was responsible for sending this to cuteoverload.com where they know what's good for you.

Tritone vs. Jazz Sandwich

It's on.

At the CUMusic Awards ceremony Thursday, April 5, the Third Most Evil Band will share a stage with that Jazz Combo with the Most Digestible Ingredients, bringing their bitter rivalry to a head. Ever since Tritone challenged Jazz Sandwich to try and play more notes, the training and scheming have divided a once peaceful community, sales of finger cots have skyrocketed, and everyone's turning to Tommy Tubular for advice. I just hope the showdown on Thursday evening settles this matter.


This is Tritone. They're so evil they can stand in snow for a long time without crying. Even when one of them is being mauled by a wolf.


This is Jazz Sandwich. Delicious if you can get your mouth around it.


This is CUMusic, ultimately responsible for the coming shitstorm.

Point Tommy

This guy's good under pressure.

At last weekend's gig (the fantabulous T-Street by the way!!!), I was prancing/standing around in a series of disconnected, slovenly, desperate costumes not particularly concerned with how anything I wore or did could be tied in with what everyone else was doing. Tommy and Guido actually looked like baseball players, and Josh did his classic Harry Caray stuff, and Jesse was born to be a blind umpire, but I figured "what the heck, they've got it covered, I can just kind of wander here and there stinkin up the place."

I was a black mouse convinced it was really a Cubbie mascot. I was a hot dog on sleeping pills, sticking my arms in and out of the armholes like that's what hot dogs do at a baseball game. I was Madonna in baseball lingerie that looks nothing like the League of Their Own uniforms (a 90s movie, in fact.) We're not going to talk about Michael Jackson Little League Coach anymore. Perhaps I crossed some line as a gigantic rabbit (The Astros, people!!!) eating the inflatable banana over and over again. Well, Tommy's no fool, and he understands the importance of a coherent story line, so he whipped up a really good one right when I was most orbital.

"Hey, it's the Brat Pack's mascot, The Big Hair!"

Get it? Comedy gold, that.

Scenes from the Season Opener at Copper

Looking Forward to Baseball Season

Oh yeah. Hot dogs and rain and heat and endless innings and temper tantrums.


I'm pretty sure baseball season is on its way.

Deanna the Party Girl Stumps the Band!!

First Deanna the Party Girl amazed everyone by solving the unsolvable "Heathers" crossword puzzle which sat on our website for almost a year confounding untold millions of visitors. As if that wasn't enough, Deanna then proved to be almost unprizable! Our previous contest booty, although stunning, is just not the kind of stuff she needs or wants, so now we will search the whole house for something of value AND interest to this incredible whiz kid. Wish us luck - she's tough!

Oh Dear Oh Dear Oh Dear Oh Dear

There's an important music awards ceremony coming up in April. I can't tell you who to vote for, but you should totally vote for Tritone in the category of Best New Artist and Jazz Sandwich as Best Jazz/Blues at the site I won't mention here.I'm disqualified from even voting because word has it that they're going to honor me with a lifetime achievement award for Best Rock Kick in a Miniskirt, but it's supposed to be a surprise, and that's why I'm writing about it here where no one will ever find out.


Anyhoo, long story short, I face a terrible decision, and that is: what to wear? Knowing how very important it is to make the correct impression when pretending to be surprised as one gallops toward one's destiny as a distinguished lifetime achievement prize winning award recipient, I must consider my options with care. A prom dress seems too un-serious, right? Though my closet brims with juicy frocks, are they perhaps too frilly? Not distinguished and prize-winning-ish? What is a rock kicking gal to do?


Ideal would be an ensemble at once elegant in keeping with the occasion, subtle so as not to overwhelm, and capable of communicating my gratitude for the recognition. I think this one gets it.

What Does it Mean?

Is this like a greatest hits album or something? I'd never heard of it or seen it until today, and no one else seems to know when they recorded it or what tunes are included. Whoever did the art seems a little confused about the band that contributed so much to the most important decade ever. It's like they had never even seen them or something! Or is this a really obscure joke or some kind of Japanese comic takeoff?

Where Are They Now?

For more news on important celebrities of the 80s and kings of stuff, or something like that, check this out!

Whose Sister is Hottest?

There's not even a contest so we'll just go ahead and give this one to Menudo, with the hottest sister ever.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Eight: Strike a Pose

New Wave Dave AKA Diamond Dave takes a more relaxed yet stylish approach to health and fitness. And it's easy for him since most of his friends are supermodels! With a diet restricted to french fries (no ketchup, please, that's a vegetable!) and a hectic schedule of party-hopping, photo shoots, and clever small talk, Dave has no trouble staying in shape.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Seven: Put on a Happy Face

Guido wakes up smiling every day. He puts on his sexy happy pants and goes for a run, rain or shine. When he's out running, the birds all sing a little more vigorously, traffic jams unsnarl themselves, and neighbors put down their rakes and get to know each other for a change. Happy Guido runs and runs, bringing joy and peace and harmony wherever he goes, and when he gets home he makes prank calls to his still unconscious drinking buddies.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Six: A Caution Against Overreach

BP Fitness Guide, Part Five: Let's Get Physical

I follow a very strict, very traditional fitness plan. I go to the gym every day for at least an hour, and if I can't go to the gym for some reason like they're not open or I have a 103 degree fever, I go home and work out with one or two or three of my enormous collection of exercise DVDs. I get plenty of rest, drink hundreds of glasses of water each day, use moisturizers and toothpaste faithfully, and adhere to the following diet without exception:

Breakfast: large iced skim latte (now with some decaf) and a gigantic cookie
Snack: whatever leftover brownies or fudge some smart ass left in the breakroom
Lunch: one of whatever everyone else is having at whatever business lunch meeting or training event this is
Snack: large iced skim latte (maybe a little decaf in there) and a power bar to get in the mood for the gym
Dinner: pizza and ice cream
Snack: more ice cream

BP Fitness Guide, Part Four: Stay Limber

Sixteen Kendells has some superior skills. A semi-retired semi-professional athlete, he has learned through devastating injury and extensive rehab the value of flexibility. Kendell stretches and stretches and stretches much more than his mind to reach his personal fitness goals.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Three: The Buddy System

As a scientist, Josh of Seagulls knows the value of teamwork. His research has shown that a workout which incorporates variety, collaboration, the first and second laws of thermodynamics, and a pinch of competition can be up to 73% more effective than, say, the more passive approach of certain non-human members of the band. To reach his health and wellness goals, Josh of Seagulls makes sure to find time for the study of health and wellness journals during his fifteen hours of daily reading. He experiments enthusiastically with each new fad diet and breakthrough workout plan and summarizes the results for his many scholarly associates.

BP Fitness Guide, Part Two: A Sensible Plan

Tommy Tubular sure has a level head! He practices moderation in everything, eating only 1.25 slices of gooey Pinch Penny pizza and never beginning a workout without thoroughly warming up first. He CAN walk past the Krispy Kremes without excitement and never needs to smoke a pack of cigarettes in one sitting. Tommy checks his heart rate once an hour and gets a CBC and lipid profile done quarterly. He has developed an exercise regimen that not only promotes his best health and sexiest figure but also enhances mental and spiritual well-being, but Tommy is wise enough to know that what works for him may cause injury or loss of XBox time for others, so he doesn't brag or boast or offer his great plan for sale. Even when hotties like these two try to charm it out of him!

BP Fitness Guide, Part One: Easy Does It!

The Jessbot 3000 undergoes meticulous recalibration every day, which is why if you try to call him on his cell between 6:30 and 9:00AM you won't get through. He receives extra care on Sundays, starting just before brunch with a thorough polishing of all knobs and buttons and finishing in the evening with our patented "circuit board soak." His GPS implant is currently due for an upgrade, but otherwise we need only provide a steady diet of fine dining twelve times a week to keep the Jessbot purring.

New Year's Resolutions

Every year at this time, people talk a lot of smack about plans for self-improvement. They skip right past the lifestyle modifications of greatest promise such as closer monitoring of stock performance and neater presentation of plans to downsize, and they focus on trivia like quitting drinking or smoking, firming up their bottoms, and spending more time with the kids. Alas, I may be too forward-thinking for the masses, so I will cave to popular demand. As this is the season of PE, I reluctantly present a variety of unique yet effective fitness options, based on the current health habits of actual members of the Brat Pack.

HA!

I have successfully shaken off the thing that took over my blogger identity and silenced me for these many months. It's all babbling from here on out, baby!

The Silent Winter

I was protesting because I found out that Jesse Van Halen failed to read one of the posts in a timely fashion. With that news burning my ass, the whole darn blog fell silent for an eternity. We'll just see how it goes from here on.

Mysterious!

On November 14, 2006, the thing which was Lynndi Lauper was instructed to stop talking, yelling, singing, sighing, whispering, and so forth due to a severe vocal cord injury. At that time, mysterious magical forces gained control of her blogger accounts, if not of her soul, and quieted all the posting just as it quieted the chatterbox herself. She is trapped, as it were, in this entity called The Devas until she figures out how to reestablish her blogger identity or chews her way out. Good luck, LDL! May the force be with you.

Here's a Clue

Get it?

Jesse's Living in the Past

Jesse Van Halen has no idea what we're doing for Halloween this year, even though we've done it twice. He wanted us to be Smurfs so bad that he's in some kind of denial now. Josh of Seagulls did very complicated research on whether we'd be more effective dressed as a 60s pop band or an 80s commercial; his findings were a little hard to understand, and further research was indicated. I voted for us to be red and black striped pants. Tune in tonight at Carbondale or later on right here to find out if I got my way!

Let's Hear it for the Boi!

We're so proud of the Boi. Our ten year anniversary show was made even more spectacular by suprise guest appearances from fabulous Brat Pack Alumni Boi Ian and Dawna MaDawna. After many years of teaching the Brat Pack to kick booty, Boi Ian went on to become a man, and even took some time out from his recent tour of the midwest to explain stuff to Guido Menudo, who hopes he will one day achieve adulthood. Though not pictured here, MaDawna currently serves as president of our glorious solar system and can be seen in the night sky, the morning light, the glare of high noon, and various breathtaking sunsets.

I Always Feel That Somebody's Watchin' Me

And I have no privacy
I always feel that somebody's watchin' me
Is it just a dream?

Pat Benatar's Tips on Kicking Ass

1. Wear loose clothing, but not so loose that you fall asleep backstage waiting for the "king" of pop to finish that nonsense.
2. Exploit what may seem their unfair height advantage and deliver gut punches. If a guitar is in the way of the gut, go for the liver. It's a quicker KO anyway.
3. Roundhouse kicks promise smashed noses, which are much more devastating for rock stars, as they tend to interfere with any planned aftershow backstage activities.
4. Apologies are unnecessary, as are accolades. The reward of kicking ass is kicking ass.

Four Brat Pack Babies, NO Missed Shows!!

Welcome Ronnie Tubular!!!

Politics: Ready for a Shuffle-Ball-Change?

Isn't it time for a great tap dancer to take charge of our nation's future? If the 80s taught us anything it was that show biz really translates really well into the global arena. And if you're not persuaded by Mr. Walken's web campaign, consider the scary supernatural coincidences: his real name is Ronnie; like the Gipper, he spent a lot of time in California but actually speaks English; he has the Great Statesman's mastery of hairgel and comb; AND he says weird stuff like, "I make movies that nobody will see. I've made movies that even I have never seen."

I have a suggestion for a running mate who's an even better tap dancer, a man of the world, and my personal 80s hero.

Brat Pack Fashion Police on the Scene

New Wave Dave AKA Rico Tubbs examined haute couture while totally rocking the third floor of Neimann Marcus! My blood runs cold! My angel is a mannequin!

Important Research Completed!

You've Changed 76% in 10 Years

Compared to who you were ten years ago, you've changed a great deal. In fact, you're probably in a completely different phase of your life - and very happy about it!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

Can't Take Her Anywhere

Pat Benatar shopped so irresponsibly that she didn't bother to rock, which gave the sexy pants an excuse to roam free and get even more attention from Rico "Fashion Vice" Tubbs and some real life models.

This is What Happens to People Who Show off their Pants

First, they show off their pants until everyone is sick of hearing about how cool they look, or how sexy, or how much more interesting than everyone else on stage even that girl because lord knows she could never afford great pants like that, much less make them look so cool and sexy.






Then, a brave visionary, or possibly a paid employee, steps forward with a complicated strategy for setting the universe right again.







Finally people who show off their pants too much realize why their moms were so nervous about clean underwear.

Once Again, We Affirm Democracy

Lip-synching wins as most 80s of all heinous acts!

A million billion is most people's favorite number!


(I'm pretty sure these were the totally untampered tallies of our pure and fair surveys. I had some trouble reading them through the fog of the aftermath from our huge ten year anniverary party.)

Which 80s Band Has Lasted Longer than the 80s?

That's right, baby. It's our ten year anniversary, and we're not even a little bit sorry.

Those Pants Again

I know you can see how it happened. The pants are blinding! I had to leave the stage just to get my head together, and when I came back, some people were still only looking at the pants! I need help.

Upstaged by Pants!

So Tommy Tubular shows up with these this weekend, and all of a sudden someone is not looking at me but rather at the pants! This is an outrage.

What Does He Mean By That?

I give up. Is it a stick-up?

Ooh La La!

When Tommy Tubular gets down, you better stand back. I can't even stay on the stage during that action, and even the Jessbot has some extra beads of sweat from how HOTT it really is.