The Truth about Our Many Wounds

I'm sorry to disagree with the darling Mr. Kendells, but this week we can barely declare an Injury of the Week for all the trials we have endured! See how well we buck up that our road/stage/lifestyle manager didn't even realize the depth of our anguish?


Slipped Tongue. Poor Tommy Tubular. He had more malapropisms than he has in a long time. This could be evidence of his previous tongue injury (from foot in mouth) not responding well to therapy (washing it out with soap.) Larry checked the gear and couldn't find any electronic cause for Tommy's recent vocal impairment. Should we worry that he's in the early stage of AtM Disorder?

Split Fingertips.You and I can laugh all we want about dry peeling splitting skin and make fun of people who buy and use expensive, girly moisturizers. We can think of them as suckers, but when they start slamming those crusty bleeding digits across a keyboard, all I can say is OW OW OW. You better believe Jesse Van Halen was hitting the Spongebob bandages hard.

Scorched Retina. Oh my eyes will probably never recover from the things I saw this weekend. I'm thinking about assembling a team of top ophthalmologists, opticians, behavioral optometrists, vision therapy providers, CGI animators, and corneal topographers.

Menudo Gets the Last Word. So there we were at the end of Saturday night's exciting visit to Tailgater's in Bolingbrook, reminiscing about all the fun we had. Guido smiled as he lifted the million pound steel plates and said he had saved the worst job for last. I was blathering on and on about how amazing it was to get through the whole weekend without anyone being clobbered by those plates. Just then, Guido set the plate down and bent over to hold his shin.

Only one minor injury!

Kudos to the band for not having any major injuries this weekend. That's a nice change.

I heard that Guido had a "plate" related incident, but it apparently didn't deter him from cheering on his White Sox! Hope you enjoyed the game dude! (You certainly didn't enjoy the Chi-Bear's game.)

I trust that God will ensure that we have an equally safe couple of gigs next week. I'm sure because we wish only happiness to all that we see.

In the mean time, be good, or not. I really don't care.

K'Dub

I'm no expert, butt....

I witnessed a "single Colorado reach-around reverse ariel" for the first time tonight. That takes both strength and stamina.

What else can I look forward to this weekend? Another Cowboy's victory?

Going "Into The Cave"

It's a little known fact that computer programmers must put themselves into "solitary confinement" in order to actually accomplish anything. It's really the opposite for performers, who must have a crowd to be successful.

I've been in the "programming cave" for a few days now, and am about ready to come out to play. Is anyone cool coming to Sliderz Friday? I dig that place, and know a few people there (from my times mixing for That 90's Band.) If not, are The Brat Pack's newest groupies coming from Joliet to Bolingbrook this weekend? I have a good feeling about both gigs...looking forward to anything that doesn't look like a computer monitor!

Let's Rock!

O! How They Suffer for Their Art

Boo hoo.

I Feel Sorry for The Brat Pack

It must be so hard to be them, always gorging on excellent food like the wings and chocolate cake at Heroes West just before they perform. How in the world can they get any blood back to their brains from their stomachs in order to remember those very difficult tunes they play? And further, how can they hop around on one foot or sway back and forth all night while drinking shot after shot of free liquor? It's a wonder the guy with the hat doesn't hurl all over himself from headbanging while drinking. Worse yet, they must all be blind as bats to look out on the sea of hot chicks and not be completely devastated. They really have the toughest job around, keeping their cool in the face of these distractions.

Gig-Injury Remedies

After careful consideration, I believe my pinched finger injury is far less serious than Lynn's knee injury. It turns out that a HUGE Cowboys Victory over the Bears is a very good remedy for a pinched finger.

Similarly, Diamond Dave should make sure that the Pittsburgh Steelers continue to win, as their wins somehow seem to prevent backdrop/plate injuries.

Lynn, it might be time to consider another new career. Using pneumatic machines on yourself to test knee-braces, just for the sake of setting ISO standards, might not be the career you were destined for. Maybe you should try singing in a band, or otherwise helping people?

Pinched Finger or Bruised Knee: Which Do YOU Prefer?

This week's Injury of the Week is a tie between my left knee, repeatedly smashed into the corner of a speaker throughout the weekend, and Kendell's pinched finger, which is now a swollen, blistered, throbbing, disgusting, yet somehow impossible to look away from, mess. So we put it to you, gentle reader: which is worse, the gradual chipping away of my patella or Kendell's monstrously disfigured digit?

P.S. Happy Birthday, Tommy Tubular!

We Have a Winner

The author and star of About the Girl has officially won our zillion dollar prize by guessing that the famous 80s star I REALLY SAW was this friend of hers. She knows other fabulous celebrities of the 80s such as Billy Idol, Cheap Trick, Van Halen, Run DMC, Madonna, and Combo Audio. Or some of those. Congratulations Stephanie, your check's in the mail!

How Many Bass Players Does it Take to Make Lauper Look Stupid at the Gym?

That Tommy Sedseaux (whoever he is) can't stop picking on the fab local faves of yesteryear. Doesn't he have anything better to do? I had an idea for how Don Gerard could get back to his playing weight by Summer 2008, but thanks to the miracle of new blogger, I couldn't leave a comment and so am forced to counterblog.

Wednesday Absolute Body Conditioning class! If it's good enough for Electric Larry, a bass player who wears three cell phones on his belt, it's good enough for Don, a bass player who wears ties to work, where he keeps a sled. After the foxy ladies of ABC worried and worried about Larry's one absence (twisted his ankle in the garage,) he made a glorious comeback and even kicked the teacher's partner's butt in "construct/deconstruct!" Go Larry! Anyhoo, this type of activity ought get Don into pre-21st century shape. All other bass players are welcome to join.
Electric Larry, showin some love, leadin the parade.

Don on the far left, all buff and behatted in the 90s.

Rory, another kick-ass bass player who could make me look stupid at the gym.

Aaron, also on the bass, also getting ready to race a bunch of women on Wednesdays.

Sorry, can't make it, got shit to do.

Nuff said.

It's A Magic Number

Josh of Seagulls has been working on his American Sign Language skills. Here he is indicating that the next tune should be played in 7.

Alright, I'll Give You a Clue

Because Don Gerard came so close with his guess in a comment, and because, thanks to the miracle of new blogger, I can't comment back, I will reveal the activity (but not the identity) of the huge 80s star I saw this morning. He was saving the lives of blue torso people, and he was SMOOTH!

Guess Who I Saw This Morning?!!?!

I'm not going to name names or tell you where I saw him or what he was doing, but he's a REAL 80S STAR, and I saw him this morning, and he was being very star-like and very 80s, and he's in the upper left hand corner of this picture, and he looks just as hott as ever.

Better Yet

If anyone out there is driving late at night, and sees any white van, I (as the official Brat Pack Ambassador) give you permission to "Moon" them with all flamboyancy while you pass them. Slap your butt, let things hang out...regardless, it'll be funny.

Brat Pack Injury

I would just like to say, in defense of the members of The Brat Pack, we had no accidental injuries this week (Thank Goodness!!!) Instead, our injuries came in the form of allergy afflictions (Yes, it's true, "The Brat Pack" is human and feels the pain of normal life just as you and I do!) With harvest going well as we would hope, allergies pop their head up all the time. Claritin has its place.

Yo Lynn!!! We're heading somewhere this weekend that I've never been to before (Heroes West!!!) I've done almost 200 gigs with you guys, but I've never been to Heroes. I've heard spectacular things about that club (I hear the food ROCKS!)...y'all better put on a good show, or I'm gonna have Electric Larry do some funny things with your sound! LOL!!!

Can't wait! Go Dallas Cowboys!!!

See you there!
Sixteen Kendells

Paying the Bills

It may not be 80s, but it's the kind of dance instruction we highly recommend.

Injury of the Week!

This week's featured injury is the Killer Hangover! At least four of us got one this weekend, and that beats the scratched cornea and dry skin I had going.

If it's David Hasselhoff, It Must Be 80s

Just like the 80s, this guy never quits. I thought you should know.

Injury of the Week!

This weekend's featured injury is hurt feelings! To avoid adding "insult" to injury, I won't say another word about it. Except that hurt feelings are sad and bad, and you (or whoever it really was) should never ever not ever do that to me (or whoever it really was) again.

Who's Got Two Tickets to See Van Halen Next Month?

And who's taking bets on exactly when the tour gets cancelled?
I want in.

Injury of the Week!

Jesse wins! Thanks to a variety of unrelated incidents at each of three BP gigs this weekend, he suffered multiple cuts and contusions, like way more than anyone else. Even though he didn't lose a toenail or most of his vision, we're giving him this one! Plus he's coughing like crazy. Phase Two of the '07-'08 plague perhaps? And some of us didn't think he was even human.

Oh Dear

A guy I know thinks Madonna sucks! Whatever will I do?

Larry Survives a Room Full of Chicks

It must be Larryday in Larryland, and it's likely to be that way for a long time, since he kicked so much butt in our Absolute Body Conditioning class. On his first visit, no less. Sure he could have used his charms, his subtle conversation, his flowing golden locks, and his sexy shoulder moves to distract the room full of pros and take it easy on himself. But he didn't. He showed up early, stayed to the bitter end, and played fair the whole dang time. They say no man can surviive Wednesday ABC for long, that they sneak out the backdoor shaking their heads and go lie around in the stretching room where they can cry and pretend it's sweat. Larry is no longer just the manliest man in all of Bratpackdom, he is now the manliest man in Downstate Illinois! After class he went back to work too, hauling speakers up ladders until the break of dawn when he headed back to his other job. Wow. May Larry jumprope, sprint, bound, sumo-squat, plank, high-knee run, tricep-dip, scissorjack, and lungewalk with the fine asskickers of Wednesday ABC forevah!

King of Pop Turns 20 Today!

Here's to you, Michael Jackson, on your actual birthday! We made you a cookie, but we ated it.

The Week in Review

Minimal Injuries, Great News for Custom Virus
I ushered in the weekend (Sixteen Kendells' huge birthday celebration weekend, BTW) at the White Horse beer garden by crushing my thumb in the backdrop stand, but then nothing worse happened for three entire gigs, making for a pretty lame Injury of the Week. On the other hand, Josh of Seagulls has announced that, using his own lungs and sinuses, he's gotten a head start on our respiratory gunk for the coming winter. Thanks for kicking it off earlier than usual, Josh! We look forward to the long drives home.

That's Our Larry!
Tommy Tubular has reason to suspect that beneath Larry's happy sexy fun exterior, there beats a lonely, complicated heart. TT played us a voicemail he'd received late one night, when we were each busy with post-gig gaieties, leaving poor Larry all alone in a strange town. His words slurred by bare emotion, Larry pleaded for companionship as well as money, to be deposited in his checking account at 1-800-BIT-CHES.

Puzzle People Coming Through
I begged and whined, and finally one of the puzzle winners sent me a teaser. You can try it too. The grand prize is TBA; Deanna and Melissa will vouch for our prompt payment. Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind! Mickey and his fine family all live on Wham! Street. Mickey's mother, Vicky, lives at 2005 Wham! Street. Mickey's cousin, Lucy, lives at 1150 Wham! Street. What address does Mickey live at? Solve that!

Lesson in Love
We've been schooled in why bass players are so totally awesome. It's not their good looks, smooth moves, excellent minds, interesting hobbies, or toned calves. The flourless chocolate cake with homemade raspberry sauce is what makes them irresistible!

I'm Waiting

N vowed revenge for the hoof-tapping brain-teaser below, but she hasn't sent a thing! Even worse, Deanna (the crossword and conundrum Champion of the Known Universe) offered to write an 80s puzzle and then promptly solve it for two hundred bucks, but I'm not seeing that in my Inbox either. Come on peeps! Don't force me back to sudoku.

New Feature: Injury of the Week!

Thanks to modern technology, someone in the Brat Pack gets clobbered in an unexpected way just about every weekend. We think this is darned newsworthy. Sure there are injuries which persist far beyond a week and are way more serious than the rest, such as New Wave Dave's flattened thumb or Guido's almost-gig-related fracture. Those would be better named Injury of the Month, Injury of the Quarter, or Injury of the Indefinite Period Beginning July 4.

Guido went to the Bahamas, and all he got was this lousy broken toe.


For about six months out of the year, we take turns hosting and mutating at least one virus, but we'd have to dedicate a less regular post to Disgusting Plague of the Season because no one would have the energy to write it.Josh, a scientist but more importantly a gentleman, says it's polite to share.


I'm thinking more of the indescribable agonies we wake up with on Sunday and forget about by Thursday. Last week it was the sensation of a hammer smashing my shin.
Artist's rendering of someone else's shin hit with a hammer.


A few weeks ago, I fell off the stage just in time for shorts-weather.
The bruise "resolving," a fancy term used by nurses and investigators.


Jesse chuckles thinking about our hilarious version of Hurt So Good when the light tree toppled over onto Guido's head! When he was dressed as Mr. Miyagi! And Kendell, running to the rescue, tripped and fell!Thank goodness for the helpful ladies of the front row.


And who could forget Tommy getting punched in the face FOUR TIMES by his own microphone at Marly's? Or the time I walked into a bolt and stood in the street with blood spurting from my head?

If I got this for Tom for his birthday, would he let me borrow it?


You get the idea. Having missed the deadline for proper tribute to all of the above, we'd better announce this week's Injury of the Week, and quick. May I present the unique, inexplicable, and unprecedented ankle twist!

Artist's rendering of someone else's ankle all messed up.

I Almost Forget

Have I mentioned that we played in the Bahamas? It seems like I meant to tell you but got distracted with something else such as WE PLAYED IN THE BAHAMAS!












But seriously we did.

The DeLaupers Sure Wanna Have Fun!

Uncle Jeff, Noted Astrophysicist, sent me a fabulous activity last night. I know you guys think I'm always at the mall with Guido Menudo, but really I like puzzles and dead languages as much as the next guy, this next guy being Jeff de Lauper, Noted Astrophysicist. You can try cracking the code too, and if you want help, click on the links for hints - I know you're going to love it (especially Deanna, crossword puzzle champion of the world.)


There is a fictional horse that will listen to a number you say and tap its hoof a certain number of times in response. This horse's answers follow a rule so that if you say the numbers on the left below, the horse will tap its hoof the number of times on the right below. Can you figure out how many times the horse will tap its hoof if you say 33?

1 -> 1
2 -> 2
3 -> 3
4 -> 2
5 -> 1
6 -> 2
7 -> 3
8 -> 4
9 -> 2
10 -> 1
11 -> 2
12 -> 3
13 -> 4
14 -> 3
15 -> 2
20 -> 2
25 -> 3
33 -> ?
50 -> 1

How DOES One Do the Jitterbug, Exactly?

This looks very hard. I think we need some practical advice, since time seems to be running out.

P.S. Could we find shorts tight enough and white enough for Tommy on ebay?

Management Checks In, Joliet Jen Cries Out

Management here. I've been silent on this and related matters for many months, the priorities of Management being less blogworthy than, say, whose hairstyle screams "Devo." In addition, a failure to use various time shares spanning the globe might have cost me fluency in several languages.

Speaking of the weary traveller, I was treated to a magnificent act of vandalism upon return to my modest three story, nine bedroom bungalow this weekend. Inside every major appliance, taped to every wall and precious work of art, stapled to the Bichon Frise, and balanced on shelves and doors throughout were photocopies of Wham, George Michael, and Rick Springfield. Many bore handwritten pleas for the Brat Pack to add music by these artists. Obviously this was the brainchild of my idle maid and her illegal cousins. In distress I consulted the fabulous Joliet Jen for technical support on the removal of adhesive from mahogany. I happened to ask her opinion on crossing the Wham Line. Below is her reply, along with a seriously sexy shot of her (the redhead.)


"Really? You're even bothering to ask? Wham is possibly one of the greatest bands of all time, and one half of Wham is probably the greatest singer of all time, Andrew Ridgeley. He's probably the most under-appreciated as well. Oh, and then there was that George guy. Whatever happened to him? Wham is the best. I grew up with Wham n George Michael, my mom is the biggest fan ever. So I say yes to Wham. 'Wake Me Up Before You Go Go' is a super classic. However, I did win a trivia game by knowing the Wham rap video in about 3 seconds."

Point maid.

(That was a pun.)

Besides, who doesn't want to see Tommy Tubular in one of these outfits?

Is it Fate?

Some members of the Brat Pack, influenced by the dark arts and cumin, are ready to take the biggest step of our career - across the Wham Line - breaking the band's most enduring and important rule.

The Bass Players Union threatens a boycott.

Short People Keep Winning at Hoops

Prince has confirmed that he did kick Charlie Murphy's butt on his home court, though he wasn't wearing the fancy Revolution jacket and boots like Charlie said he was.

In related news, a short person known only as N has been scoring points against our very own gifted athlete, Jesse Van Halen, who has a one foot height advantage and a history of clever ploys AND is a robot. How does a woman no taller than Prince himself accomplish this seemingly impossible feat without the use of milkshakes to distract Van Halen? Same as Prince! Speed.

Operator, This is an Emergency!

A hair emergency, that is! It's been so hot and humid these last few days that we're almost out of product. Can you pick some up for us along with a million bottles of water?

Attack of the Ten Foot Pants

As usual, Tom will be sporting a pair of pants at the State Fair tomorrow night. I'll be there!

A Very Funny Joke About Lead Singers, At Whom We Must Not Laugh

What time did the lead singer come over for ice cream?

7:30

UPDATE: I must have misunderstood the punchline because it was NOT 8:30!!! Get it?

Do We Not Bleed?

Apparently, Blogger decided the entire Brat Pack was a robot and locked us out of our account (now we're unlocked so the truth can be told.) This doesn't really seem fair, but I can see how it might have happened.

First we let the drummer hide out in his vast yet hidden underground laboratory for several months designing a reasonably humanoid droid who can make it to all of the gigs without the high degree of bitching you expect from a primate who plays keyboards. Then we boldly posted one or two pictures of it here and even gave it permission to comment. Before you know it, Blogger sniffed out the cyborg and concluded that we're all a bunch of circuit-boards and hinges and bionic limbs and toenail polish.

One bad apple might have spoiled the whole bunch girl for a week or so, but our clever consulting pediatrician was able to persuade the cuties at Blogger of our humanity with polaroids of the foot-sized bruise on my leg and x-rays of Guido's broken toe, both gig-related injuries, except for Guido's which was a recreational injury just before a gig.

Why Them and Not Me?

Some people might be wondering how, at a recent Downtown Champaign Streetfest, certain people were able to join us onstage with ease while others were hauled away by the brutish Mr. Kendells.



These hot chix actually ASKED first. How clever of them! One thing they had to offer that many others could not is that I know where to find them if they happen to steal a guitar on their way off the stage.


And then we asked this cutie to come up, probably because she appeared just when we needed a virgin.

I hope that helps to clear up any confusion!

P.S. Thanks for joining us out in the streets. You rock.

We Went All the Way to the Bermuda Triangle, and All We Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

OOPS! Did I say "lousy t-shirt?" I meant kick-ass gig plus vacation!

P.S. Happy Birthday, Jacob. You rock!