Contact!

Thanks to Uncle Jeff's helpful calculations and the intergalactic rocking of our Basstronaut, Lynndi Lauper is now able to signal our colleagues on the other side of the space gash.

Dear Diary

OMG, I am so excited about the gig!! We're about to kick it old school style in our home town, with surprise guest appearances by our Basstronaut (until this morning he was lost in space) and that booty-shaking cowbell slamming GI Joe! Expect nothing but FT to the TB at Fat City 2-nite!!

A Call from Uncle Jeff, Noted Theoretical Astrophysicist

Rumors are running wild about Jesse Van Halen's recent top secret confidential private phone conference with Uncle Jeff, Noted Theoretical Astrophysicist. The information is classified, but word on the street is that Uncle Jeff ran the numbers again and found an unidentified galaxy in our Basstronaut's path, one which could present interstellar political complications.

Oh, Hey!

Speaking of wild parties, I heard that some of Guido's cousins will be in the neighbothood next week for a block party. Fire up the grill - caliente!

The Electrik Larry Family Reunion!!

I hear Larry's taking a few hours off sometime next year to attend the biggest blowout this side of the Mississippi, well either side of the Mississippi really, because when the Electrik Larry family gets together, things get pretty wacky!

4 3 2 1

We sent our bass-tronaut off on his mission to probe the universe in search of new forms of hotness. He has met the space gash, and it is good.

Be Careful, Space Explorers!

We might not hear from our Bass-tronaut for some time. Space is really big, after all, and full of flaming meteors, uncharted wormholes, enormous five-headed monsters, and many other things you could easily trip over or get your lifeline wrapped around. The good news is he's not alone out there. He can contact co-pilot GI Joe anytime using the tin can and wire system Uncle Jeff and the Jessbot built for them. The code is "I've fallen, and I can't get up."

Hey I've Been Busy

Back off. I had to sort through my stuff.

Your Cooperation is Appreciated

The following is intended as a handy guide for identifying cheats such as lip-synching, card-counting, and shape-shifting. Allegations that The Brat Pack has committed these atrocities, along with rumors of illicit space exploration, abound. I trust that I can count on you, the rock show consumer, to assist in developing documentary and physical evidence to complete an investigation into these matters.

1. Move a little closer to Jesse Van Halen's naked toes. If you do not detect a human foot odor, find a hair and pull. If the unit fails to express discomfort instantly, please contact me at 1-866-444-1980 for further instruction in how to disable the robot which has been manipulated into subbing for Mr. Van Halen. Robots don't smell, but they also don't belong in a rock show. Mr. Van Halen is no doubt sitting outside in his BMW watching "Plan 9 from Outer Space" and eating funnel cakes. He can work for a living just like everybody else.

2. Watch carefully for instances of skirt-lifting among such minor characters as Blondie, Pat Benatar, and Guido Menudo. These moments could indicate relapse into a classic deception, wherein Ms. Lauper takes unfair advantage of Menudo's happy nature and reads a cheat sheet she stapled to his butt during sound check. Singers who can't be bothered to learn the lyrics to the biggest hits of the 80s will be prosecuted to the full extent of the laws of rock.

3. If TOMMY TUBULAR slips into a Japanese-German accent so that words you thought you knew begin to sound like other words you weren't expecting but can't believe he would say, this could mean that he is lip-synching with a pre-recorded disc which has been damaged by Wisconsin cheese. If this is the case, we will assume that TOMMY has become involved with a pet project of certain other members of the organization, and his mind and impeccable judgement have been compromised by exposure to plutonium. He will be granted leniency in any subsequent disciplinary process, perhaps earning a vacation for two to Jamaica where he might reconsider such toxic associations in relative quiet.

4. Everyone knows that no human is capable of playing drums, being scientific, and singing the greatest hits of the 80s all at once. Therefore, if you happen to notice (say, if Guido steps out of the way to catch a falling Red Bull) that someone on The Brat Pack stage is attempting this, step away slowly and run. He could explode at any moment.

5. If Guido appears to be a white guy with a new hair color or style, and if the band is calling him "[something] Dave," you may be witness to an actual transmogrification. Without drawing attention to yourself, snap a photo or video with your phone and send it to me at 1-866-444-1980, but do not attempt intervention. When Guido has taken any of the myriad Dave forms, he is unpredictable and even dangerous.

Hurry! Get Josh!

With the information recently obtained from "Uncle Jeff," noted theoretical astrophysicist, we could be a hair's breadth away from exploiting a vulnerability in the heretofore impenetrable space/time continuum. If only we could drag Josh of Seagulls away from his top secret chemistry lab deep in the bowels of Champaign-Urbana, we could probably use his protractor to finish painting the flames on our hotrod spaceship and send GI Joe and his crack commandos on their way!

Uncle Jeff, Noted Theoretical Astrophysicist, Speaks

"A careful reading of wikipedia entries on the topic leads us to this most incredible discovery: 'Most active galaxies are ellipticals and are believed to be powered by a supermassive black hole that are emitting radiation due to infalling material.' Even without subject/verb agreement, this may or may not be open to debate, subject to mediation, and conditioned by variables out of our control."

Uncle Jeff then checked his portable chrondometer, scratched his head, and yawned.

"Have they looked in any black holes?"

Our Space Exploration Continues

We've been studying awfully hard since someone suggested that our current gig lacks panache, that real is NOT real, that 2 plus 2 equals something we can't even count up to. New Wave Dave and GI Joe resumed their space travel research, feeling out Titania and plotting a course for Uranus. Their hope is to build a craft entirely of gold, aluminum, and hemp in order to blast through the gash in the space/time continuum so they can get to a totally awesome as yet undiscovered galaxy filled with talented hot new life forms. They also worked on their hairstyles and hip hop moves in order to impress any green chicks they might meet there. I had a free consultation with "Uncle Jeff," noted theoretical astrophysict, who notably and theoretically commented, "Why?"

Blog Post Deleted Due to Lack of Content

Blog Post Deleted Due to Violent Content

Blog Post Deleted Due to Offensive Content

Bewaaare

Your Monster Profile

Blood Thirsty Cannibal You Feast On: M&Ms You Lurk Around In: Swamps You Especially Like to Torment: Boys Who Wear Make-up

What's Your Monster Name?

Snarkette Takes a Fall (No Tears are Shed)

It's been a busy day. After thorough investigation of Lauper's latest spree, wherein she mocked MR. TUBULAR'S speech impairment, touted our lawyer's talents inappropriately, and used sarcasm to no avail, I have made the (effortless) decision to terminate her contract.

Happily, there is a sophisticated and lovely replacement who is willing to change her name to Lynndi Lauper and gain twenty pounds to fit into the outgoing's wardrobe and who coincidentally knows all five hundred songs (sort of.) The new Lynndi Lauper is not an immature child but rather a submissive and intelligent grown-up. Welcome!

When Will We Grow Up and See that Being in a Cover Band is STOOPID?

TOMMY T'BURGER, New Wave Dave, and Josh "Cabin Boy" of Seagulls don't seem to understand the real world or appreciate the limitations of adulthood. They put on silly costumes and say things that don't make sense and do those twirls and kicks for absolutely no reason. One day they'll realize that driving hither and thither in hybrid DeLorean minivans, rocking the masses until everyone has a lampshade on their head is NOT actually a way to make a living, and they'll finish their doctorates of rocket science and warm up to desk life.

Survey Says!

On Average, You Would Sell Out For

$271,862

At What Price Would You Sell Out?

Name That Band

You'll be glad to learn I've come to my senses, thanks to a gentle reminder to take the meds. I've talked to most everyone in the band (well, to one, but he had another call,) and we agreed we've been The Brat Pack for too long. We've gone by this name for over ten years, and while it's useful for letting everyone know when and where we're playing, it really does seem fair to move on and let someone else try it for a while. Why not give a brother a break, sharing the fruits of our labor with those not fortunate to have done it first? I've got a few catchy replacement names in mind: Dave Chappelle's Show, FoxNews, Paris Hilton, and X-Krush, to name but a few. But why not go further, turning our time of transition into a huge publicity stunt? I propose a contest wherein the dear reader may submit the very best new name (we get to choose it, though, right?) and win some cash, say five hundred crisp, new, stripper-scented US dollars. Is everyone on board?

Electric "GM" Larry Made Me Do It

Your Mexican Name Is...

Doña Xochitl

What's Your Mexican Name?

Nah, It Must Be My Hearing

After careful review of the last few shows, when no one else, not even Larry, seemed confused by TOMMY "TB" TUBULAR's strange pronunciations, I googled the rest of the band and learned that they haven't even been to Japan or Wisconsin, so they would have no way of understanding his odd dialect. So it's gotta be my hearing.

Could Be His Accent

Now that I think about it, the gear probably isn't the problem. It's just that sometimes, on certain songs, I think I'm hearing different words than the ones I expect. But Tommy was born in Japan and grew up in Wisconsin, so it could just be that I'm not hip to his complicated and exotic accent.

Larry, There's a Problem!

I don't really know if it's TOMMY "TB" TUBULAR's mic or my headset, but sometimes I hear the weirdest stuff with his vocal. Please check the gear thoroughly as soon as you can, because it's starting to make me wonder about my hearing or even my sanity.

Why Our Lawyer Kicks Butt and Screech's Lawyer Does Not

Our lawyer is so effective that all he has to do is call the Brat Pack of (state name deleted to protect the innocent) and say "Hi, I'm..." and they instantly go out of business. He wishes them luck and hangs up. He starts dialing the number for the Brat Pack of (state name deleted to protect the innocent,) and before he gets to the last digit, they call HIM and start apologizing for not changing their name several months ago when they promised Jesse Van Halen they would change their name (after they asked if they could use our logo, website, identity, and underarmor and were told, "Um, not really.") Our lawyer has the magic touch. And a very cool car.

Screech's lawyer, on the other hand, is a meanie over in New York and doesn't return his calls and says "don't worry" until THE MAN comes to foreclose on Screech's house and now he has to get Howard Stern to kick everyone's ass because Howard is more powerful than all the lawyers in the world put together. Except for ours.

Don't Make Fun of Bots

I learned the hard way not to make fun of the Jessbot 3000 when it's breaking down. My advice to everyone in the front row is: if you've been tickling its stylish toenails or demanding to wear the hat, and then it starts to sputter and flames shoot from its head, you've exceeded the limits of its program, and your best move is three big steps back and run.

We Stand For Something

He's in Wisconsin, the land of TOMMY TUBULAR's glorious childhood. He was the most important star of a show that technically started in the 80s, making it our business, and three of us met him at NACA when he was feeling kind of sick but signed a photo for Guido anyway. We gotta take up the cause.

The Management Takes A Pop Quiz

Apologies to those many loyal readers who have gone hungry during my long absence. Germany has been lovely, but I was compelled to return suddenly due to events in Aspen. I did have a bit of trouble at customs, easily resolved!

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 0 out of 10 right!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

It Could Not Be Resisted

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Ana Cláudia Pires

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

Your French Name is:

Antoinette Leger

What's Your French Name?

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 9 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Why, Oh Why

It seems we cannot hang onto friends on myspace. In just one week we went from 1511 to 1505, even bidding farewell to a disillusioned Tiffany in the middle of TiffFest. Why do they abandon us so easily in this, our darkest hour? Is it because we're not very loving and giving and all we ever do is rock? Is it the fart spray? Is it because we liked Brazil too much and then they lost like a bunch of big baby losers who are now being taunted and beaten and ostracized by their countrymen? What, with just 36 hours to the next Pinch Penny extravaganza, can we do to redeem ourselves?

Ask Guido

Dear Guido,
Jesse said that I can ask for your advice on pretty much anything. SOO...I was wondering what I should do when I want to travel faster than the speed of light, but my car/bike/minivan/elliptical trainer won't keep up. Just wondering.
Love,
S-Man

Dear CK,
Oh, hey! No problem! I'll make a few calls, check my calendar, we'll get together and talk about it over cold press, and everything should be cool!
Sincerely,
Guido

Dear Guido,
I saw GI Joe jump onstage with you guys a few weeks ago and give it more cowbell. That was AWESOME. How come I never get to jump onstage with you guys?
Truly,
Mick Jagger

Dear MJ,
Dude, we don't need more cowbell. Thanks for asking, though!
Yours forever,
Menudo

Dear Guido,
I rely on TOMMY TUBULAR for direction. He tells me to do a lot of great stuff like "tip your bartenders" or "scream if you're having fun." If TOMMY TUBULAR tells me to jump off a bridge, should I do it?
Fondly,
Timmy

Dear Timmy,
There are some things in life you do not question.
Word to your Mother,
G

Dear Guido,
I might have to kill to get to your show at Pinch Penny this weekend. Lynndi mentioned that you know how to get blood stains out. Pointers?
Thanks!
A Myspace Friend

Dear David,
No sweat! If you do have to kill to get to the show, come on over, introduce yourself, we'll have some beers, maybe talk with some hotties, then you can give me your email address, and when I get back from vacation, we can trade phone numbers by email, and then I'll text message you the number of MY FRIEND who knows a guy who used to have a trunkful of samples of this stuff that's great for getting blood stains out.
Later!
G

Dear Guido,
If I am at a Brat Pack show, doing shots, tipping my bartenders and waitresses, partying like it's 1776, and end up having a few too many, should I close my eyes and floor it or would you drive me home?
Always,
16K

Dear KDub,
Neither! The correct answer is snuggle up with some hotties and stay over. In the morning, I'll swing by, and we'll grab some cold press and ROCK to the next gig!
DBLT!
GM

Who Cares About the Stupid World Cup Anyway?

Yeah, there's way cooler stuff going on, like watching the High Definition 24-hour Earthworm Channel or learning to detassel corn. After Brazil is done tar and feathering their football players, Sixteen Kendalls and I will (maybe) get back to our samba routine.

You Should Visit Mexico

You can be as comfortable as you want, eating fast food and partying with English speakers in resort town. But if you're feeling brave, venture out to Mexico City - or explore the tropical Yucatan.

What Latin American Country Should You Visit?

We're Number Ten!

It's getting hard to tell the difference between TOMMY "I'm Great" TUBULAR and any number of Latin American football legends - you know, The King, The Golden Boy (and his Golden Hand,) that new kid from Brazil, Lord Allen Falconer, and so on. It's totally confusing, and their #10 jerseys sure don't help. See if you can figure out which action photo is of our own superstar.

P.S. TOMMY says soccer is FT (that's kind of like PC to the BP.)

Let's Change the Whole Show

As we near our ten year anniversary, we might consider tweaking one or two things to make the Brat Pack more relevant to today's world. We could start with some minor revisions to our merchandise:

Then, bring back those dancers but with more of them and way more feathers:

New Wave Dave is going to teach Jesse and Josh a thing or two:

Finally, let's get Guido enrolled in that Beginners Tumbling class:

In Case USA v. Ghana Doesn't Go So Well...

You Should Visit Brazil

If you're looking for an extreme yet chill vacation, Brazil is perfect for you. Go wild at Carnaval, get lost in the Amazon, and relax checking out the beautiful people on the beach.

What Latin American Country Should You Visit?

Miami Vice movie based on Brat Pack's exploits

Crockett (aka Tommy Tubular) and Tubbs (aka Guido Menudo) got into a whole lot of adventures in the 80's, and now they're back, 00's style! Be sure to see this upcoming movie in which Tommy and Guido have to outwit a couple of punks who steal their identities (played by Collin Farrell and Jamie Foxx) and rescue a shipment of Columbian gold before it falls into the wrong hands.

Why a Win for Brazil is Good for The Brat Pack and Therefore the Whole World

Some of us might have World Cup Fever, or World Cup Flu, or maybe even World Cup Disorder, especially those who just yesterday learned (in the van on the way to a gig) of soccer's noble origins in the streets of ancient Rome, where people enjoyed kicking beheaded heads from one end of town to the other. That really does sound fun!

I know New Wave Dave is rooting for Canada, and Tommy Tubular probably wants the land of his glorious birth, AKA glorious land of his birth (Japan,) to prevail, and I imagine Larry's got money on just about every country, careful investor that he is. But we can all get together on this one thing - every time Brazil wins a World Cup match, I will personally teach Guido Menudo a sexy new Brazilian Dance Party dance move which he will then use to further rock the world.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

I know it wasn't actually summer yet when The Brat Pack took its annual week off. And I know that everyone knows I didn't really go on vacation at a beautiful remote beach on the gulf coast. I did learn some important stuff though, which I'm sure you'll find helpful.

TOMMY Does Not Lie! Lynndi Lauper Lies!!

Au contraire!!

In MR. TUBULAR's perennially exciting and informative weekly missive to the masses, one finds only accuracy and integrity. If you will recall, his original message went out BEFORE the "big week off," at which time he believed himself and Guido Menudo to have been grounded. This was my own clever strategy.

Once Lynndi Lauper was safely en route to rehab (no, not a week on the beach - see how she lies,) I was able to reveal to the others the top secret plans I had made for each of them. Yes Guido and New Wave Dave travelled far to reverse climate change once and for all. Obviously, Electric Larry wowed all the other engineers with his newly mastered Brazilian Dance Party moves, and of course it is true that the Jessbot was due for "servicing." Josh of Seagulls' noggin was desperately needed in Hollywood, where he successfully theorized and postulated. I hope that you, our dear reader (literally), can appreciate the need for secrecy regarding TOMMY's mission to save the 80s. If MC Hammer had stayed the shy wallflower he was before TOMMY got there and set him free, where would the rest of us be now?

TOMMY TUBULAR Lies!

In his weekly message to everyone on our email list, TOMMY told about our plans for this week:

"Brat Pack tip #86 - Vacation, all I ever wanted... The Brat Pack will be taking the week off to explore the farthest reaches of the continent. While Josh Of Seagulls is in L.A. doing session work, and attending a science fair, Jesse Van Halen and Lynn D. Lauper will be on the east coast dining on succulent shrimp, drinking umbrella drinks, and basking in the sun. Tommy and Guido have to stay home because their grounded for being naughty, but hope to get off early for good behavior and make it to the shows the following weekend..."

As it turns out, while Josh of Seagulls was filming a science video starring the guy who filmed a famous-star-in a-bikini video the week before, and while I was sipping iced tea in the south south south and Jesse VH was being recalibrated by a team of deep sea divers not far away, the rest of the band was HARDLY grounded.

Our Esteemed Bass Player Union (NW Dave and Guido Menudo) travelled to Antarctica with a bunch of dry ice to solve the whole climate change problem thing so that Baberaham Lincoln would be totally electable by 2008. Larry won the Sexy Dance Competition at a major international convention of super-cool sound guys. So what did that big liar TOMMY do with his time off?

On Sunday, he got himself back to 1984 and by Monday had upgraded the DeLorean this much, allowing him to spend the rest of the week in 1989 teaching MC Hammer how to party.